Who You Are ~ Jessie J.

      

      While all the songs I've written about previously are based on emotions or life events that I'm going through, this one in particular hit closer to home about who I am (hence the title). 

I stare at my reflection in the mirror
Why am I doing this to myself?

Losing my mind on a tiny error,

I nearly left the real me on the shelf

"no, no, no, no..."

      This first verse touches on the part of me that is extremely self-critical, how I obsess over something big or small that I regret doing, thinking, or even feeling. I beat myself up over something that was just pure instinct. For being myself. A co-worker didn't smile at me as much today...what did I do wrong? How can I change to be more likable? Or how that guy I went on a few dates with was a waste of time... I should have seen it coming. I was too easily fooled. I need to be better at seeing through people and standing up for myself. 

Don't lose who you are in the blur of the stars!

Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,

It's okay not to be okay...

Sometimes it's hard, to follow your heart.

Tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising,

Just be true to who you are!

      Sometimes...okay not sometimes...I am always confusing living in reality with living in my dreams. This is a blessing and a curse all at once. On one hand I'm able to dream up wonderful scenarios to keep myself entertained and optimistic about the possibilities and "what ifs." On the other hand though I find myself really believing the things I dream up. I set unrealistic expectations for life and end up disappointed, wondering what the hell happened, and why I'm so emotion over something that really wasn't a big deal to begin with. That's where, as Jessie J. states, "don't lose who you are in the blur of the stars" . 

       But Jessie J. also says, "it's okay to be who you are." I'm hoping that just being aware of how unrealistic my imagination can be will help me to stay grounded when it starts wondering again. My mom recently gave me a self-help/workbook that helps to make yourself aware of your wondering mind and to pull yourself back to the present. I was reading this book in a coffee shop when the barista came up and discussed with me something called "present time consciousness," which is pretty much the exact same thing. It is such an intriguing topic to read on and to literally exercise your mind with the activities the workbook demonstrates. I can obviously learn a lot from these concepts and hopefully bring myself less hurt and much more peace of mind. 

Try ~ PINK

    

Funny how the heart can be deceiving

More than just a couple times

Why do we fall in love so easy?

Even when it's not right

Where there is desire

There is gonna be a flame

Where there is a flame

Someone's bound to get burned

But just because it burns

Doesn't mean you're gonna die

You've gotta get up and try, and try, and try

Gotta get up and try, and try, and try

You gotta get up and try, and try, and try

      Over the last few months I've been trying to pick myself off the ground and dust myself off. Every now and again I'd feel as though I were finally standing upright and steady on my two feet and then my knees would give out on me and I'd have to start all over. I got a job and they told me on my second shift that I needed to look for another job because they didn't have any hours for me...back to the job hunt, which is draining enough. Then I had this cloud hanging over my head, making every day an emotional roller coaster. And that's no exaggeration. A song would trigger a memory. A memory would trigger tears. Tears would trigger guilt for still being so hung up on something that I should be over by now. And the guilt would trigger anger toward the person that was causing the cloud in the first place. I was giving my "ex-" control over my emotions without realizing it, just by staying "friends" and allowing free communication. My best friend and my mother made me realize how toxic his "presence" was in my life and so I gained the strength to tell him goodbye for good. Some people are put in your life as a blessing and others as a lesson. When all is said and done he is a lesson that blessed the last few years of my life. After taking him out of my life I immediately felt the cloud lift. Though I still have certain triggers, I am much more equipped to handled them in this healthier mindset. Every day I see the sun getting brighter and the grass getting greener. Without that dark gray cloud over my head I find it much easier to be positive automatically and not just by force. I can finally say with confidence that I've wiped off all the dust and have picked myself up into a stable stance, maybe even taking a few steps forward.
      This month I got a job at a great brewery in town where all my co-workers are extremely friendly. I've even stayed after two shifts to have a beer with a group of them! I completed my training and am now doing solo shifts...and I'm surviving!
      In addition, school started this week! I'm only taking one math class at the local cc but I'm enjoying every second of it! Going back after a year has made me incredibly eager for knowledge. I'm excited to wake up at 6:30 am for my 8:00 class, and being able to actually understand the concepts being taught is enough to keep me awake and stimulated until class gets out two hours later. Even doing homework feels like a blessing. The last time I took a math class was in high school and I didn't believe that I was smart enough to understand...and so I didn't. Looking back over every experience I've gone through, all the paths I've chosen, I'm very happy about where I am today.
      In other news... I found a letter in the mail from Oregon State University...I got in!! I'm still waiting for a response from Portland State University, but nonetheless; I am ecstatic that I will be attending a four year university next year!! I'm finally back on track!!

Long Gone, Moved On ~ The Script

    

  Time, they say, heals all wounds. Well in that case time has decided to stand still in my little universe. All time has done for me is make my mind go back and forth, from here to there and everywhere in between. "When's the day you start again? When the hell does 'you'll get over it' begin?" It's been four months and I'm still searching for those answers. I'm done wondering and wishing things were different. I'm done looking back and aching from the memories that are just so wonderful that it hurts not to be living in them anymore. I put every single piece of myself into making Jamie and Australia work and left all those pieces behind when I came back home. I can't get them back so I have to build myself up from scratch, and let me tell you, it's the hardest thing I've ever put myself through...moving on. I keep telling myself that it was my choice and therefore it should be easy to walk away and not look back; but sometimes the hardest things and the right things are the same. I think the open wounds from where those pieces were ripped from me are what hurt the most. I'm an empty shell that knows something great once belonged inside. When does it stop? How is the pain supposed to just stop? "I love you but I leave you, I don't want you but I need you" (Zac Brown Band).  I always thought that Jamie and I did a good job at staying independent from one another but as I'm writing I'm realizing how codependent on him I was. Maybe they weren't just pieces that were left behind, maybe it was the tearing away of my other half that I had grown into. Obviously not the healthiest relationship but nonetheless, excruciating to break away from voluntarily. So..

From this moment on, I'm changing the way I feel
From this moment on, it's time to get real

'Cause I still don't know how to act
Don't know what to say
Still wear the scars like it was yesterday
But you're long gone and you're moved on
But I still don't know where to start, still finding my way
Still talk about you like it was yesterday
But you're long gone and moved on...

      It won't be as simple as just flipping the switch but today's the day that it really is time to get real. Time to start changing my attitude and stop mourning the life I wish I had. I live in a beautiful area which I'm sure also has plenty of opportunity for me if I seek them out. I was reminded by my aunt yesterday of a phrase my Opa always said, "the best is yet to come." So I may be feeling pretty low right about now but hey, you can't appreciate the top until you've seen the bottom. 

Holding On and Letting Go ~ Ross Copperman

      

     When making life altering decisions, sometimes we feel as though both options are exactly what you do and don't want. That definitely rings true for everything I'm going through in my life. When I left Jamie it was "everything [I] wanted, and everything [I] don't." I wanted to stay with him because I loved him so deeply, but simultaneously, knew that I needed to find someone who loved me back in the same way. Same goes for moving to Eugene. I wanted to start a new life (again), and be able to put down my roots (again). But Perth was the place where I most felt at home. I didn't want to leave. I wanted to start my life there. I wanted to have a career there, grow old there. Since leaving that beautiful city down under, I grieve everyday for those things and more: the people I met, the way of life, the culture, the feelings Perth gave me, the best friend I lost through the process, everything about it. It's "one door swinging open, one door swinging closed." I don't like knowing that if I had stayed I would have had all these things. I wouldn't be looking for a job, I wouldn't be friendless, I wouldn't be cooped up in the house all the time, I'd be bike riding around the lake during their scorching summer, laying on their magnificent beaches, and going out to pubs with mates. But you can't have your cake and eat it too. It's funny how you leave one thing behind because you convince ypurself that there is something much better waiting for you ahead, yet you're actually more miserable. I know it'll take time but damn I'd really like to know that I ditched an almost perfect life to be in the predicament I am now for a good reason. I'm a big dreamer and I'm afraid my imagination got away with itself this time. Maybe I hoped for much more than what reality could provide me with. I'll never stop dreaming and hoping, but hopefully someday reality will be much better than my dreams."Some prayers find an answer, some prayers never know. I'm holding on and letting go."

Side note: Throughout almost entry I've proved a link to youtube clips so that you can hear the song I'm talking about if you don't already know it. I will always link it to the title of a song or lyrics from that song so that you can separate it from the spam :)

Taylor Swift

     The themes in just about every single Taylor Swift song seem to ring 99% true in my life. When i was a senior in high school her current album was all lovey dovey which rang true for all the silly crushes my friends and I had on various jocks. We would blare the love songs with the windows down at night and profess the love (through lyrics) that we would never actually verbalize to the boys we wanted to. Now her new album is pretty much all about the people who left her behind, the people she left behind and all the damage it inflicted. Bingo. Hit the nail on the head again. I don't mean for this entry to be about self pity by any means. It's more of a vent session for the things on my mind at 1:24 AM. I even tried writing less abstractly than this in my journal, but here's hoping plan B works!

      I feel as though there's been a consistent theme in my life of people leaving, changing, disappointing, etc. I am one of those at fault. I remember the first friend I lost to a change in circumstances in 7th grade. I think about her very often, hoping she's doing well and forgiving me for the differences we had. From then to now I can name off the others that changed or tried to change me, and for that were left behind. Left behind is almost too strong of a statement. It's more like they now play a significantly less important role in my life. People who I could never imagine feeling this way about. People I grew together with so strongly only for us to diverge somewhere along the way. What changes? My guess would be the environment we are surrounded by most often, including our peers and activities in which we partake. That actually goes for every scenario I can think of in which someone became more distant to me. In one of the scenarios I believe I was the one who was being changed by a peer and certain activities: the other friend lost through this was the one who tried to change me. I still debate whether or not what he did was right. Maybe it was a little of both. That leads me to my next question...Is change a bad thing? In most cases I assume that the person who changes feels they are better off. But what about the people who needed them? The people who they abandoned to move in a different direction? I won't use the word "growth" because I feel like sometimes change isn't beneficial to the person...but at what price does personal branching come? There has to be a point at which we're just happy. No more transformation rubbish and just enjoying the people who love you for YOU. As someone who has been on both sides of this game of pickle, I just don't have a concrete answer. There is so much to be gained in change; but I have witnessed and felt more loss from personal branching than the flip side. I guess that makes me bias.
     In all this I think all I can do is count my losses and move forward with better intentions when thinking about leaving someone out of my future. I may not want them around now or have sore feelings about certain things but I may need them down the road and there's one person in particular I don't know if I could ever forgive myself for letting go. BUT:
     Last question...when all is said and done and someone has made you feel like you've been dropped on the side of the road...are you supposed to feel happy for them? That they've found something better in life than what you could offer? It's the obvious WWJD answer to say "yes." But as a human being, how is someone supposed to just pick up their baggage and move on?

   

Man in the Mirror ~ Michael Jackson

     Yesterday someone posted a very heinous comment and picture on a certain social networking website that has been eating at me for the last 12 hours since it went up. I am struck with disbelief that any human could say something so LOW about another human being, and someone who is more or less my family. Even as I'm writing this my body is starting to shake with anger and my heart feels like it is literally going to beat out of my skin, I am so angry. To put things in context, the photo and comment weren't of someone that the poster knew. This was a picture of a random person that the poster decided to publicly ridicule by posting for all of their friends to see. A person that the poster didn't take time to know: his name, his history, his pain, his laughter...The person who posted this, and somebody who is very close to me, have mocked this type of person for years now. It started as just a difference in lifestyles and the comments were more about how with the right knowledge this group could benefit. As time went by the comments developed into a prejudice that I would try to object to or roll my eyes in frustration. But this...this is something that physically makes me sick. I didn't fall asleep for a few hours because I was running all the things through my mind that I could say to try and make this person realize the magnitude of their hurtful words. I debated, and am still debating on saying something. I saw a picture online that said something like: It's important to stand up for what you believe, even if that means standing down." When do you know which is the right way? Either I say something and cause a rift between myself and the other person, or I stand down and let it happen and let them go on hurting people. I'm not perfect, don't claim to be, nor will I ever be. I have judged people and made comments about people unfairly and I can only say that it is people like these that make me want to look at myself and make a change. After this comment I never want to say another bad word against anyone because I see the ugliness and evil in each one. That's not the person I want to be. That is the person I refuse to be.

     I heard recently that the meaning behind the Mayan's calendar isn't that the world is going to end, but instead there will be a change in thinking. A new perspective on life. If this IS the case, I challenge myself and others to keep this acronym in mind. If the only person who benefits from a statement is you, then your ego, should probably rethink saying it out loud.

     In closing, if I could say one thing to this person I would say this:
I hope that the pain that you are causing isn't for nothing. I hope you can at least rest your head at night feeling like a bigger man for it.

Home ~ Phillip Phillips

     I have arrived in Oregon!! It's weird to have the mindset that Eugene is now my "home." It's almost like I have to make a conscious effort to have this mindset though. Not only is it because I've never known "home" to be anywhere other than Orange County, but also because, I'm sure I've said it before, I'm a gypsy soul. I have the need to move from one place to the next. I want to be constantly learning new cultures and seeing new things. Feel new feelings and experience more than my mind can take! So a few days after settling in, I started to get that antsy bug ALREADY. I started to have a mini panic attack because I had never gotten "the bug" so soon after arriving somewhere. I told Jamie, who I have remained close friends with, about this and how it made me scared because I didn't feel like anywhere I ever went would ever feel like home. He made me realized that the only reason I felt that way is because of that scared feeling. I have no friends here, I only know Katie and her fiance, Nick. I hardly know my way to three stores, among other things that made me feel very unsettled. But that's when I realized that the conscious effort needed to be made on my part to just be. To remind myself every day that it's okay to be unsettled only a week after arriving, or even a month or two after arriving. It will take time and I will be happy and feel like I belong when life falls into place. The song Home by Phillip Phillips goes like this:

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

I just have to keep chugging along and know that God has a plan for me. Even if I'm afraid to face it right now.