Time and Date Countdown (<-- click)
(If this doesn't open for you, it says 83 days, 10 hours, 55 minutes, 27, 26, 25...seconds, and so on)
I have so many emotions running through my head that its hard to explain even one of them. If someone asks if I'm excited, the nervousness takes over, but if they ask if I'm scared, the excitement sets in. All I can do is trust that I made the right decision when I thought things through in my more sane days, not so much right now when I'm in panic mode. In the last few months throughout this process I've learned how important it is to "trust your first instinct and don't second guess yourself." Every time I made a big decision I would feel confident in it...only until someone brought up if I were reallllly sure that I thought x, y, and z through all the way. After crumbling to the questions and rethinking everything, I would always be led right back to my first conclusion, this is the best option. I've put all my brain power into thinking through the outcomes of everything I'll be faced with and everything I'll be leaving behind (for the time being). The decision to move to Perth for a year had the least amount of negatives and the highest amount of positives. In Perth, I could have my cake, and maybe eat a finger full of frosting too; while the other choices gave me a smaller piece of cake with no frosting. I think you'd take the bigger piece with frosting too!
A conversation about feeling the need to explain myself and my decisions came up recently with my sister and the advice she gave me made me feel so much more at ease. The opinions of my family mean more to me than they realize. I know they support me because they know I wouldn't let a day go by without thinking things through 100 times, but to really have their encouragement means the world to me. I think I go into explanation mode as my own kind of encouragement too. As stated in the entire paragraph above, I'm very happy with my decision, but being happy with the choice I've made doesn't quite decrease its magnitude. I have to keep reminding myself that all will be okay. And just because its the most difficult, doesn't mean its not the best one for me (see, explanation mode again). Day by day the magnitude increases. It's like looking at the mountains from Orange County and thinking, "they look like little hills!" but as you get closer you start to ask yourself if you're really strong enough to make the climb. I don't know if I'm strong enough to run up the mountain without stopping a couple 100 times along the way, but I know that the incentives waiting for me at the top are enough to keep me going. Not only do I have Jamie waiting with open arms, but I have also breached the gateway to traveling and exploring the world. Two dreams wrapped up into one! For quite some time now I feel like I've been living in a little bird cage that we call Orange County. I had my chance at freedom when I went to San Francisco for a year but flew right back into the cage when plans changed. I feel like this opportunity has opened the door for me once again and it's my time to take it and fly. I'm going to end with this because I feel like I've given way to many metaphors for one day. Have a fabulous weekend, everyone!
An excerpt from one of my favorite pieces:
ReplyDelete"...do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy."
Max Ehrmann, Desiderata
My favorite line (that I repeat to myself daily) is this: "whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should."
It takes away some of the pressure to create my perfect future, and reminds me that everything WILL fall into place.
It sounds like you have been trying to reassure yourself constantly about your decisions. Have you thought about reflecting on the "worst case scenarios"? It sounds morbid at first, but it will actually ease your mind. It will put you back in control. For example: worst possible scenario (I know it's over-simplified)... things don't work out in Perth and you get to decide where to start another adventure (I'd start with Eugene... haha).
What I am trying to get at is that if you imagine the WORST case scenario and how you would react, it's going to make it easier to go into the unknown. Nick and I had to do a lot of that in the last few years, especially with our big move to Oregon.
For us, worst case scenario was that Nick didn't get a job in the first month, so he'd have to take on a more humble position at a grocery store or something to make ends meet. BUT, even if that did happen, it wouldn't have been the end of the world. We'd just have to adjust a bit.