Afraid to Let Go

    The other day I went through the shows that I had recorded through the TV. I had three House Hunters International recordings and all three were based in Australia. Big surprise, ay? The first two were good, just families moving around, but the third one tugged at my "worry thoughts" the most. This one was about a lady moving from somewhere in the US (New York I think?) to live with her husband over in Queensland. The story line, of course, was cute but then they showed her saying goodbye to her parents. From that moment on I've had a pit in my stomach. I pictured myself having to say goodbye to my own mother and how much I'd miss having her friendship by my side day in and day out like I do now. Usually at this age, people are leaving their parents' home to find there own apartment in the area, or to go off to college, but always with the knowledge that they are a short drive or flight away. As you've probably gathered, my circumstances will be much different from these. The fastest time to reach home again is twenty two hours, minimum! I've been writing all about how fabulous it will be to gain independence again and to live out on my own but I've been neglecting to say how much of a Mamma's girl I am! As the days go by I'm getting more internally emotional about the move and know that soon it will be pouring out of me for everyone else to see too. This picture poster sums it up pretty well...

I want so badly to get out and explore but at the same time I'm kind of terrified of leaving the comforts of home behind. When this quote says "someone who's brave enough to take care of us every once and awhile," I picture my mom. I keep playing tug-of-war in my mind with the two thoughts, get out and roam the earth or stay and feel safe in the familiar. There's another quote I really like that goes, "The lust for comfort murders the passions of the soul." At first this may seem like a strange quote but if you break it down it means exactly what I just said. In layman's terms: stay for comfort and my dreams will die.

[Pardon the "offensive" language] I've saved a bunch of these random picture quote/phrases to my picture files over the last few years just because they seemed to appeal to me, but now more than ever I really take them to heart.  Quotes are like words of wisdom from strangers. Beautiful words that sometimes put life into more simple terms. 

     Recently I've been having a major internal struggle about friends from high school. I feel as though I've been left in the dust since introducing everyone to Jamie at Christmas two years ago. My male friends didn't make a single effort to stand up, shake his hand, say hello or introduce themselves. Our presents was hardly acknowledged the entire time. That was the first blow. From then on out it seems I'm being ostracized for my happiness. I know this seems like a bit of a stretch, even writing it makes me feel like I'm being irrational but what other reason would it be? Last summer I hung out with all of them a few times every week and now they're making plans with out me and posting it all over the internet. The point of writing this paragraph was not to say "whoa is me." The point is the debate I have going on in my head. Do I push past my pride and invite them all for a day at the beach even though I feel abandoned by them, or do I say screw it, I'm leaving in two months and will make new friends? The obvious choice is to just push past the pain and make plans of my own to include everybody. This way I don't leave with burnt and bitter bridges, but that's going to be really tough. It took a lot of strength just to ask one of the girls in that group if I could stop by her house to say "hi" because I was in the area. Friendships are supposed to be effortless! Today I spent the afternoon with an old co-worker who has been my best friend since I had a job with her back in 2008. We spent the day laughing and it reminded me of how good friendships are supposed to be. Which pulls me back to saying forget to the group of people who don't feel the need to hang out with me anyway! Such turmoil in my head and heart. Again, I'm sorry for this petty drama I threw in but it's the closest thing I have to venting and sorting my thoughts at 12:53 am. 

     

Standing my Ground.

     For quite a few months now I have been doing extensive research on several different things in order to prepare for the big move. Honestly, I think all of the energy behind the research was fueled by my amazing procrastination skills during the school semester. Now that school is out and the assignments have ended I can't think of one darn thing to research. So what have I been doing to prepare? Going on Google Earth and perusing the local places around the neighborhood of course! Well, that and looking at places to rent even though we won't be renting a place any time in the near future. It's quite pathetic actually. But this sad waste of time did actually help me find something very important. Let me start by backing up a few days. This last weekend I visited my middle sister, Kim, in Boulder, CO (the most incredible and much needed weekend I've had in a long time! Thanks Kim ;)). I had a good conversation with her boyfriend about the jobs that I could or should get while I'm there. He suggested that I look into getting a job that revolves around the profession I'm aiming toward, which is Respiratory Therapy. So going back to my Google Earth search, I found two medical centers within a mile from the house I'll be staying in! I'm so excited about this because in my mind it's a way of becoming more educated while I'm not in school. If I get the job (probably just filing or doing other grunge work), I'll at least be in the environment that I'm working toward in the future. I may not be getting school credits or working toward a degree during this time period but I'll at least be gaining the experience and the addition to my resume. Such a wonderful epiphany!

        Recently another conversation came up revolving my Australian adventure. I was faced with questions like: how do you really know this guy, have you thought about x, y, and, z, what if this or that were to come up, what if down the road...and so on. I know in my heart that they were looking out for my best interest with all these questions but I found it interesting how talking to different people makes me feel different things. A few weeks ago I was fortunate enough to have a fabulous conversation with my incredibly wise and insightful aunt about the exact same things. I felt so empowered and confident about my relationship with Jamie afterward, almost as if I fell in love with him all over again just by talking about "us." After this particular conversation in Colorado I was left feeling uneasy about the decision: second-guessing once more. All of the points made were very valid, but something about this was different. Maybe it's the way the questions are phrased or the way they had only know the situation through second-hand information except for this one conversation, making me feel as though my answers were more highly critiqued or judged. Or my favorite reason: they think they know what's best for me.  People question things that are different and go their entire lives thinking that other people who "go against the grain" are wrong; but why is it that people are so quick to conclude that different is bad? And I''m not just talking about this one instance. I realized that people push how they would feel in my situation or in my relationship; but here's another epiphany, this isn't their life! I'm doing what is best for me, not them. Period. Don't get me wrong, I, myself have "what if" questions running through my mind but I'm sure as hell not going to let them rule my life. I could play that game with every tiny decision I make: what if I roll out of bed on the left side instead of the right? I won't know until I try! And I firmly believe it is worth the risk. I'm learning (slowly) that setbacks in life (while they may be so infuriating) are really not walls that I can't climb over but merely curves in the road. With this new (and still kind of shaky) attitude, nothing that I face during my trip can hold me back from achieving my goals. This isn't to say that there's nothing to be cautious of, but I am a pretty darn intelligent young woman and I like to think that I am more than capable of thinking each situation and circumstance that may or may not come up all the way through. That's all the credit I ask for. If you believe in my intelligence then you should believe in my ability to make my own independent choices.

     On another note, I still haven't committed to a health insurance company 100% yet. The last time I was about to join up something made me stop to reconsider, and not gonna lie, that was so long ago that I don't even remember what it was. So I should probably get on that ay?

    A few weekends ago I went to my Opa and Oma's house again for my Oma's birthday. I was able to take the day off work and my aunt and her good friend from Reno were also able to join in on the festivities. We had such a fabulous day driving through the several wineries in Temecula. After finally finding the perfect one, we found ourselves a table, ordered a huge pitcher of sangria, and basked in each others' company till the sangria wore off. When we got back to the house, they showed me two more pieces of luggage that they had picked up for me. One is a normal, good sized suitcase, and the second is a huge duffle-bag like thing with wheels and a pullout handle. And when I say huge, I mean HUGE. It's absolutely perfect for my massive load of possessions so I'm anxious to pile everything in! Is is still too soon to pack??