I want so badly to get out and explore but at the same time I'm kind of terrified of leaving the comforts of home behind. When this quote says "someone who's brave enough to take care of us every once and awhile," I picture my mom. I keep playing tug-of-war in my mind with the two thoughts, get out and roam the earth or stay and feel safe in the familiar. There's another quote I really like that goes, "The lust for comfort murders the passions of the soul." At first this may seem like a strange quote but if you break it down it means exactly what I just said. In layman's terms: stay for comfort and my dreams will die.
[Pardon the "offensive" language] I've saved a bunch of these random picture quote/phrases to my picture files over the last few years just because they seemed to appeal to me, but now more than ever I really take them to heart. Quotes are like words of wisdom from strangers. Beautiful words that sometimes put life into more simple terms.
Recently I've been having a major internal struggle about friends from high school. I feel as though I've been left in the dust since introducing everyone to Jamie at Christmas two years ago. My male friends didn't make a single effort to stand up, shake his hand, say hello or introduce themselves. Our presents was hardly acknowledged the entire time. That was the first blow. From then on out it seems I'm being ostracized for my happiness. I know this seems like a bit of a stretch, even writing it makes me feel like I'm being irrational but what other reason would it be? Last summer I hung out with all of them a few times every week and now they're making plans with out me and posting it all over the internet. The point of writing this paragraph was not to say "whoa is me." The point is the debate I have going on in my head. Do I push past my pride and invite them all for a day at the beach even though I feel abandoned by them, or do I say screw it, I'm leaving in two months and will make new friends? The obvious choice is to just push past the pain and make plans of my own to include everybody. This way I don't leave with burnt and bitter bridges, but that's going to be really tough. It took a lot of strength just to ask one of the girls in that group if I could stop by her house to say "hi" because I was in the area. Friendships are supposed to be effortless! Today I spent the afternoon with an old co-worker who has been my best friend since I had a job with her back in 2008. We spent the day laughing and it reminded me of how good friendships are supposed to be. Which pulls me back to saying forget to the group of people who don't feel the need to hang out with me anyway! Such turmoil in my head and heart. Again, I'm sorry for this petty drama I threw in but it's the closest thing I have to venting and sorting my thoughts at 12:53 am.
""sometimes we just want someone who's brave enough to take care of us every once in a while"
ReplyDeleteIt makes sense that you think of mom when you read this. She has been the one to pick you up when you're down, offer you extra support when you need it, and talk things out when your mind is on overdrive. Yes, she's very valuable in your life and the distance won't be easy.
I have two thoughts on how to remedy this:
1- Set up Skype dates once a week (or more?) to catch up, vent, share feelings, etc. You're going to need this (even though it might not feel like it in the beginning bc of all of the excitement)-- it's going to SO help your transition.
2- "sometimes we just want someone who's brave enough to take care of us every once in a while"
I'm posting this again because like you said, this person for you has been mom. Come August, though, her role is going to change. What you'll have to do, CC, is find someone else to fill those shoes. Everyone NEEDS someone in their life that is "brave enough to take care of us every once in a while." Moving across the country is a huge deal, and it's not something that you can do alone (emotionally I mean).
You're moving to Perth for Jamie, right? It's time to put your faith in him and confide in him when you need someone to take care of you a bit. And this means putting away some pride and "exposing" yourself in a way... but it will be worth it.
I know you're so excited about the independence factor (and I am too!), but make sure to LET HIM take care of you, too, when you need it. This is the biggest, most life-changing decision in your life so far, and you need that copilot!
Courtney,
ReplyDeleteI hope you don't mind that I found your blog, and posted a few thoughts....
Throughout your life, from the time you first started to crawl, you have been making decisions that have brought you to the person you are now.....but when you were little, God put people in your life to guide those decisions and to teach you the ones that were good and the ones that were not.....all to prepare you for the day when the decisions you make will be your own. All of those decisions that were made in your early life really were as important at that time as the ones you make today.....can you imagine where you would be to day if you had never decided to take your first steps as a baby.....
Now as a young adult you will make decisions that lead you to the next adventures in life.....some will be good ones, some not so good, but decisions none the less. Many times it is not the decisions we make that leave us feeling bad......but the choosing not to make those decisions either out of fear, or because we worry about what others will think, or because we try to think too far past the decisions.....The really important thing is a be confident enough to make a decision, place faith in God that He will stand by us, and then follow the paths that are opened after we decide. And don't look back. It really is not good to second guess. most decisions that are made can always be changed if they don't work out.....but look at what you miss out on if you just don't decide and wonder what would have been......if we don't dare to make choices that are in our best interest, we won't be able to make really critical choices when the times come. I think of Kathy and Chris with Sam......they have had to make some critical decisions that without being prepared they would not have been able to make. You are preparing yourself now to be able to do the same.
As parents we want our kids to be happy, to grow up responsible, and to become servants of the world. We know that doesn't happen if we aren't willing to let go.....you will find this out someday, when you have done a great job as a parent, and you have to let your own go.....although outwardly we cry when the time comes to say goodbye, inside we know we have done what God intended in raising a child.
Be confident in your decisions, face the future with a smile.....everyday is just another step toward a brighter tomorrow. You will be fine, and just remember you will always have family cheering you on. You are young....spread those wings and fly!
You and John will both be in new worlds this fall......both going to lands far away......don't know if you heard, but John is being deployed to Afganistan in October....keep him in your prayers.
Aunt Vickie
CC - just some tender thoughts in response to yours.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds to me like you are feeling as though you will be gone forever. Remember my dear girl that any choice you make is one that is "made in time." That means that time will have a huge impact on it. So do not assume that you will be the same person who lives this choice as the one who made it in the beginning. Your choice will change you and those whom you love but it will change you for the better. So here is why I say that. My favorite line from the Bible is Romans 8:28 - and it is the only quotation that I have memorized too! :)- "For those who love God all things will work for the good." It has proven to be true for me! So - all things will work for the good...all choices will work for a stronger, better Courtney. It means that ultimately every experience you have will bring you to your best self.
1)You wrote "I pictured myself having to say goodbye to my own mother and how much I'd miss having her friendship by my side day in and day out like I do now." Dont' forget that you have her DNA within you, her humor, her quirks, and that no one, no thing, can distance you from this truth. She is in your BONES.
2)You wrote: Friendships are supposed to be effortless! WHO ever said that! :D You know by now that all relationships take sweat and an intentional connection. People get distracted by their lives. Friends whom you thought would never NOT be friends get side-tracked by their own decision-making. Don't see these choices of connecting with you, right now, or not - as permanent. It is just a hiccup! You can get over it much easier if you see it as such. People will always let you down...I don't say that to be pessimistic or negative, but it is the truth. We are fallible. If you give people the benefit of the doubt and try not to take things so personally, it will help all that cramping in your gut and clenching of your teeth!:)
3. Lastly...just thought you should know if you are going to do a little lamenting in the future...it is written "woe is me" not "whoa is me," though with Sweet Lu on the mind, who could blame you! In your corner! xoxo, Aunt Mo