So let me start by saying that in the last 20 hours I have
gone from being satisfied, content and excited about the rapid approach of August 16th to 100% SCARED SHITLESS!!! ....for lack of better words.... How this happened all came up
from one simple question that Jamie asked me in the kind-hearted curiosity he
has for my well-being. He asked, “How are you feeling about it all?” That’s a
question that hasn’t been posed in a very long time so when I read it my mind
couldn’t help but to flip, circle and spin like never before. All the
“controversial” topics that I had deliberated on were all handled with
open-minded yet critical discernment. Each one of these items: holding off on education,
moving in with Jamie, saying goodbye to family: just to name a few, were
processed and set aside as thing I could do. The difference between how I feel
now and how I felt then was the gap of time that each one came up. Obviously
leaving family was the first hurdle to pass; I decided it was temporary (for now) and that there were countless ways in which we could keep
communication going. As that subject was dealt with the next came up and so on.
This time when Jamie asked that one question, they all came flooding into my
head at once and needless to say I am quite overwhelmed. After putting all my
nerves and worries onto Jamie I became distraught that he couldn't give me an
answer to what I was feeling or going through. In hindsight, I know that I was
being completely irrational and apologize again, Jamie, for having unrealistic
expectations that you have superpowers to ease my crazy thoughts. Unfortunately
I know that this will not be the only lapse in confidence I have along the
journey and even when we get to Perth. I am sad to say, or even admit, that my
fears are getting in the way of my excitement. I think having Jamie here in 24
days will help me immensely because I will have the best reason for this
adventure looking into my eyes and that’s always enough comfort to calm me
down. Up to this point Jamie has been one strong rock keeping me steady through
all sorts of situations. He’s been a constant through high school graduation, going away to
SFSU, frustrations with friends and my roommate, family issues, the difficult
transition from SFSU back home again and many more. I have no doubt that he’ll
be unwavering through this transition as well. The only problem I have left is
putting these unrealistic and silly thoughts out of my head and enjoying the
journey from here on out. Easier said than done, but definitely worth trying
for.
Remind yourself that you are strong enough to deal with whatever comes your way, just as you have gracefully dealt with previous hurdles. There is no use in worrying about what "might" happen, because no matter what, you have the strength to work through it. You do, CC. You've already planned for the "what ifs" and have spent plenty of time thinking about them, so now it is time to get excited! YAYYYYYYY!!!!
ReplyDeleteThere are a few sayings that I just found..... 1. Never regret anything, because at one time it was exactly what you wanted. 2. Replace your fear of the unknown with curiosity. 3. Making a big life change is pretty scary. But, know what's even scarier? Regret. 4. You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, "I have lived through this...I can take the next thing that comes along." You must do the thing you think you cannot do. 5. One day at a time.
ReplyDeleteDearest Courtney Lynn, You have the ability to see this as the adventure of a lifetime. You can take it to the last stop or get off somewhere in the middle. It is your choice. But you won't know the answer to that if you don't get on in the first place. Life is scary sometimes but how we view it can change our perspective of it. Jamie has been there for you from the beginning, helped you through so much. But what you are forgetting is that you, Courtney, have actually done all the work, he's just supported you. Believe in yourself as those who love you believe in you. We are all so excited about this journey. Follow your heart, your intuition and your dreams.....I love you.