A Little Bit Stronger~ Country Strong

     When I came back to the US I was hit with a wave of obstacles to overcome. My Opa had passed away just a few weeks before my return, not giving me a chance to say my last goodbyes and I love you’s. I was dealing with a break up (through my own doing) that left me feeling a lethal combination of emotions all once. After these two events alone, I was feeling completely guilt-ridden and in need of an escape. That’s where the music comes in. It was a toss-up between the song I chose for this entry and Stronger by B. Spears. This song won out because it dates back to when times were even tougher and helped me through. My hope through this new blog style is that I can help others (and myself) through "the good, the bad, and the ugly," or at least make it a bit easier . While I can’t say my heart is as healthy as it was a few months ago, each day I get a little bit stronger. Each day presents a new challenge.  Just like in the Script's "Six Degrees of Separation" the 3rd is when you're world splits down the middle, the 4th is when you think that you've fixed yourself, the fifth, you see them out with someone else...etc.  Sometimes you need to cry about it, some days you need to talk about it with someone who can relate (or anyone who will listen), and other days you just need to knock a few back at the bar. Pick your poison! As long as you don’t go too overboard with any one of these. At the end of any terrible and cloudy day, you know, even in the smallest corner of your mind, that the sun will shine again and in full force. Your genuine smile will come back. And that’s what makes us stronger. "Keep Holding On."

The end of My Dream Down Under

     In the last three months, I have experienced the wonderful world of Perth, Australia. I have made some unforgettable memories: my 21st birthday spent in a beautiful casino, surrounded by many friends. I've toured wineries in Margaret River, played Super Golf, enjoyed chocolate from two factories, an array of delicious cheeses, witnessed the magnificently turquoise waters of Australia's West coast, danced the night away after going to an amazing cocktail bar, enjoyed the delectable dinners of very hospitable friends, attended a charitable party for breast cancer, Saw penguins and a massive lizard the size of my arm on Penguin Island, and many many other incredible times. There is so much more to see and yet not very much time at all to see it in. I am regretful to say that I will be coming home on November 12th. Many things have played into this decision. The first is Jamie and I going our separate ways. The second was the passing of my Opa. Part of me wanted to stay in Australia to finish my exploration but the other part of me felt as though I was an outcast now that Jamie's friends were no longer mine too. I do have an amazing friend here, Elle, but she is also heading to the US next week (for three months), leaving me in "Jamie's country" with nobody; alone and fending for myself without help. This choice started to seem very depressing. My other choice was to go home to Orange County. While I love the familiarity of my hometown, its is the very thing I hate about it. I've always wanted to go out and get lost in some random city and fend for myself, building up my life from scratch. Now that I've experienced this, I can say that it's easier said than done; but not difficult enough to go back to living at home with my mother (no offence, Mom), to the same streets, freeways, buildings, and monotony that I've always felt. So what to do? That's when I was given a third option that trumped the others by far; giving me a visible ladder to move myself up in the world. This option would give me a place to live, an opportunity to find a job outside the part-time hospitality position, and get me back into school. This option was graciously offered by my sister Katie and her fiance, Nick, to move in with them and get back on my feet. I'm moving to Eugene, Oregon!! I am so ready to gain that level of independence that I haven't felt since living in San Francisco. To not answer to anyone. Make my own decisions and have confidence in them because only You are in charge! I think I may even get my own little kitty when I graduate from Katie and Nick's house :) All the possibilites in the world are at my fingertips. Who knows what Eugene has in store for me..???
      I am very sad that my relationship with Jamie is coming to an end but the time I spent with him is something irreplaceable. He has played such a huge part in my life the last few years and I owe a lot of my happiness and emotional well-being to him for being my rock and my constant through some very difficult times. He is such an amazing person and I wish him nothing but the best for the future.
     As  mentioned, my Opa has recently passed away on the 1st of November. He was the most genuinely loving and most selfless man who devoted his life to helping others and serving God. I know that God is holding him close to his heart and taking good care of him in heaven. The world isn't the same without you, Opa <3

Creating a Network

      Hello everyone! Quite a bit has happened since my last entry. I'll start typing what I've done and elaborate if necessary as I go. I met a friend at work named Elle, who is dating a boy from Texas ironically enough. Jamie and I went on a double date with them to the Kingsley Tavern just up the road where we stayed laughing and talking till after the place closed. While Jamie was at work on a different day, his best friend, Asha, took me with her boyfriend to meet a couple they hang out with quite frequently: Steph and Simon. I almost didn't go because of the "fifth wheel" fear but it ended up being one of the best nights I'd had in a while. A few strawberry daiquiris and cheese platters later and I felt as though I'd known them all for much longer than 3 hours. Last weekend Jamie and I went down South with our friends Trent and Daniella. We went wine tasting at many locations, went to two chocolate factories, cheese tasted, and played super golf, among many other things! It was the perfect weekend away from a stressful few weeks at work for both of us. To top it all off, I drove 2 out of the 3 hours home on the left side of the road and the right side of the car! It can be done! Speaking of driving...just a few days ago Jamie and I committed to buying a scooter for me to gain some freedom while he's at work and even when he isn't. This bad boy goes up to 70 km/hour or 43 mph. At least I know I won't be getting a speeding ticket, right? ;)
      So, as most of you know my birthday is coming in about 3 days! The weeks leading up to the present have been very bitter-sweet. But with a little more bitter than sweet. Thinking about your birthday and the ways you usually spend them: surrounded by family and long-time friends, with home-made cake and wrapping paper that needs to be saved for future gifts: and then realising that you're 9000 miles away from any tradition close to that is quite a reality check. Fortunately, Jamie has been my knight in shining armour as usual and distracting my never-ending tears and helping me to get out of the house. Today before he went to work he begged me to text Asha so that we could spend some time hanging out. Again, reluctant to go but ended up having a great time. We even picked up Steph before going to a boutique and picked out a dress for my special night. By the way we invited 10 friends to join us at The Atrium Restaurant in the Burswood Casino for an evening of classy fun :)
     I'm trying to think of anything else that's exciting enough to update you on but as of now I'm drawing a blank. So have a wonderful weekend everyone! I will add pictures later when I'm less sleepy so check back in a few days!
     Also, please keep my Opa in your prayers. There isn't a better man in the world more deserving of many more healthy years to come. I love you, Opa. Stay strong!!! <3

I'm Surviving!

     Hellos from Australia! It's my third full week here in Perth and so far I have loved EVERY moment of it. Jamie and I started off our first morning together, and the few after that, at the ungodly hour of 4 am. Yes, I said 4 am. Hello there jetlag! At the earliest possible minute Jamie took me out to a surprise breakfast at Trigg Island Cafe, and from there took me clothes shopping. Isn't he the best?! In between then and now we've basically been speed dating all of his friends. Lunch with one, dinner with the next and drinks or a movie with another. I can see us having a really good time with all of them so far.

     In other news, I got a job at the Lakeview Cafe, literally right behind his house. When I say literally I mean that his kitchen window looks over the entire patio area. The up side is I'll never have to worry about transportation: the down side is that I can't get away from it! It's there every time I go get something to eat or drink. It's a bit much! It wouldn't be so bad if my supervisor weren't a condescending witch but hey, no job is perfect, right? So my question is...has it been six months yet? Sorry for the negativity but I've been needing a vent session.

     As for Jamie, it was his first day back at work today and my first day conquering Australia on my own. While Jamie was gone I tried to keep myself as occupied as possibly: I ran around the lake, went to the shops across the road for the best back massage I've ever had, bought both my sisters' birthday presents, watched Black Swan, and had some quality bonding conversations with Jamie's Nan. To top it all off, Jamie came home an hour earlier than expected. I'd say it has been a very successful day.
     The only thing I'm really having trouble with is my identity. I feel as though I'm in limbo land and don't really belong anywhere. Obviously my family is in the US, and obviously Jamie is in Australia, but as for me...I'm somewhere in the middle of the Pacific in a tug-of-war. I imagine this is something that many immigrants go through (even though I'm not officially an immigrant). I recently found out that an acquaintance from high school is going to school about 30 minutes South of here so I might just make plans with him to get in touch with my American side again.
     Tonight I'm meeting Jamie's best friend's girlfriend. We're going bowling and to dinner! Lots more adventures to come! I hope all is well in the US! 

     

      

     

Down to the Wire

     It's the end of July and I leave for Australia on the 16th of August. Enough said...it's time to cram all those last details in while I am still sane enough to do so: printing out the itinerary (as most of you know, I am well aware of the consequences when not double-checking flight times), printing out the visa confirmation email explaining all the things I can and cannot do, checking that I have all the suggested vaccines (I have all but 2 out of 11 so that's pretty good), and even googling checklists for moving abroad. I feel as though I've been looking up these questions for so long that I could almost recite what their suggestions are and what their to-do lists say!
     Another big question mark that bounces around in the back of my head is what I'll be doing in exactly one year. This isn't an answer I'm determined to find any time soon but there is still a need for some thinking ahead here. If Jamie and I, as well as if I and Australia, really hit it off, I'm going to need another visa, but which one is the big question mark I'm referring to. This is probably my biggest concern over everything else. I don't want to spend an amazing year with Jamie and then be torn away from him again and begin the ever so stressful course of a long distance relationship once more. Saying goodbye after seeing each other for just a few weeks does enough emotional damage, let alone after bonding for one whole year. Don't get me wrong, I know it's silly to be worrying about this so far in advance but I always feel as though I'll miss a cut off or deadline if I don't get on the ball right now.

     Last preparations are being made. I just taught my Aunt Yvonne how to use Skype and am thinking about having a few little "goodbye gatherings" with family and friends. I was thinking about doing one event in which all my different networks of people would come together for last goodbyes but the more I'm thinking about it, the more awkward it sounds. I really just want it to be as laid back as possible, nothing party-like!
     Jamie comes in about seven days and I am literally counting down every second! I am so anxious to see him come out of the tunnel and throw my arms around him knowing that he isn't going to leave me in only few weeks like our previous visits.
     This may be the last time I have a chance to write before departure so, with that said....I'll see ya down under!!!

A Freer Me

Despite the skepticism displayed in my last entry, I am feeling much better about myself and the choices I’ve made…Thank you to those who have given me words of support and encouragement. My gratitude is endless for helping me to ease the stress off my shoulders… Through this process I have learned many things including the following:

1) How to contact my health insurance and my IPA group to find a new doctor on my own without any help. This may seem silly but when you live at home it’s just natural to ask Mom how to change your doctor, but knowing I’d be on my own without her to ask on a whim, I took the initiative on my own without a word of help from anyone

2) It’s still okay to ask for help. Needing help isn’t a weakness and doesn’t mean that you aren’t a competent adult, it just means you can use knowledge that other people have

3) Communication Communication Communication. I am not the best at this but I have been discovering new things about myself and how I tick that will make this easier in the future

 4) This one is still a work in progress, just as #s 2 and 3 are: It goes along the lines of what my mother has been telling me all along, “there is no right or wrong path, there’s only YOUR path.” I always thought this quote was comparing my life path with that of others, but I started to see it in another light today. The path that I planned myself is not the one I’m taking and that is okay. I work best when a plan is drawn out in my head and stick to it. Travelling to Australia and giving up the many comforts of my home and future endeavors was not in my plan drawn up before Jamie. Deviating from “the plan” is what is making my head spin like a tornado. So I’m putting the old, outdated blueprint of my life in a file cabinet near the back of my mind and creating a new one. Starting here and now.  I’ve decided that if nothing else, this trip, move, adventure, journey, whatever you call it, will be my way of chilling out and taking a breath. I need to find my happy again: my spontaneous: my passion for living and being free to do whatever I set my mind to, not what the plan in my head thinks I should do.  The journey to a freer me!

            It’s 2 in the morning so I think I should go to bed now; but before I do, I have one last thing to share. I put in my notice at work today! My last day will be August 2^nd. Wow that makes things very real! The next 4 weeks are going to fly by! And with my new perspective on my future and its uncertainty (that I only just gained while typing out this entry), I almost feel more free by having tied up that loose end, and being able to create an entirely new, modernized blueprint! On second thought, screw blueprints! I think I’ll just wing it! See, I’m learning J

AAAHHHH!!!!

So let me start by saying that in the last 20 hours I have gone from being satisfied, content and excited about the rapid approach of August 16^th to 100% SCARED SHITLESS!!! ....for lack of better words.... How this happened all came up from one simple question that Jamie asked me in the kind-hearted curiosity he has for my well-being. He asked, “How are you feeling about it all?” That’s a question that hasn’t been posed in a very long time so when I read it my mind couldn’t help but to flip, circle and spin like never before. All the “controversial” topics that I had deliberated on were all handled with open-minded yet critical discernment. Each one of these items: holding off on education, moving in with Jamie, saying goodbye to family: just to name a few, were processed and set aside as thing I could do. The difference between how I feel now and how I felt then was the gap of time that each one came up. Obviously leaving family was the first hurdle to pass; I decided it was temporary (for now) and that there were countless ways in which we could keep communication going. As that subject was dealt with the next came up and so on. This time when Jamie asked that one question, they all came flooding into my head at once and needless to say I am quite overwhelmed. After putting all my nerves and worries onto Jamie I became distraught that he couldn't give me an answer to what I was feeling or going through. In hindsight, I know that I was being completely irrational and apologize again, Jamie, for having unrealistic expectations that you have superpowers to ease my crazy thoughts. Unfortunately I know that this will not be the only lapse in confidence I have along the journey and even when we get to Perth. I am sad to say, or even admit, that my fears are getting in the way of my excitement. I think having Jamie here in 24 days will help me immensely because I will have the best reason for this adventure looking into my eyes and that’s always enough comfort to calm me down. Up to this point Jamie has been one strong rock keeping me steady through all sorts of situations. He’s been a constant through high school graduation, going away to SFSU, frustrations with friends and my roommate, family issues, the difficult transition from SFSU back home again and many more. I have no doubt that he’ll be unwavering through this transition as well. The only problem I have left is putting these unrealistic and silly thoughts out of my head and enjoying the journey from here on out. Easier said than done, but definitely worth trying for.