Down to the Wire

     It's the end of July and I leave for Australia on the 16th of August. Enough said...it's time to cram all those last details in while I am still sane enough to do so: printing out the itinerary (as most of you know, I am well aware of the consequences when not double-checking flight times), printing out the visa confirmation email explaining all the things I can and cannot do, checking that I have all the suggested vaccines (I have all but 2 out of 11 so that's pretty good), and even googling checklists for moving abroad. I feel as though I've been looking up these questions for so long that I could almost recite what their suggestions are and what their to-do lists say!
     Another big question mark that bounces around in the back of my head is what I'll be doing in exactly one year. This isn't an answer I'm determined to find any time soon but there is still a need for some thinking ahead here. If Jamie and I, as well as if I and Australia, really hit it off, I'm going to need another visa, but which one is the big question mark I'm referring to. This is probably my biggest concern over everything else. I don't want to spend an amazing year with Jamie and then be torn away from him again and begin the ever so stressful course of a long distance relationship once more. Saying goodbye after seeing each other for just a few weeks does enough emotional damage, let alone after bonding for one whole year. Don't get me wrong, I know it's silly to be worrying about this so far in advance but I always feel as though I'll miss a cut off or deadline if I don't get on the ball right now.

     Last preparations are being made. I just taught my Aunt Yvonne how to use Skype and am thinking about having a few little "goodbye gatherings" with family and friends. I was thinking about doing one event in which all my different networks of people would come together for last goodbyes but the more I'm thinking about it, the more awkward it sounds. I really just want it to be as laid back as possible, nothing party-like!
     Jamie comes in about seven days and I am literally counting down every second! I am so anxious to see him come out of the tunnel and throw my arms around him knowing that he isn't going to leave me in only few weeks like our previous visits.
     This may be the last time I have a chance to write before departure so, with that said....I'll see ya down under!!!

A Freer Me

Despite the skepticism displayed in my last entry, I am feeling much better about myself and the choices I’ve made…Thank you to those who have given me words of support and encouragement. My gratitude is endless for helping me to ease the stress off my shoulders… Through this process I have learned many things including the following:

1) How to contact my health insurance and my IPA group to find a new doctor on my own without any help. This may seem silly but when you live at home it’s just natural to ask Mom how to change your doctor, but knowing I’d be on my own without her to ask on a whim, I took the initiative on my own without a word of help from anyone

2) It’s still okay to ask for help. Needing help isn’t a weakness and doesn’t mean that you aren’t a competent adult, it just means you can use knowledge that other people have

3) Communication Communication Communication. I am not the best at this but I have been discovering new things about myself and how I tick that will make this easier in the future

 4) This one is still a work in progress, just as #s 2 and 3 are: It goes along the lines of what my mother has been telling me all along, “there is no right or wrong path, there’s only YOUR path.” I always thought this quote was comparing my life path with that of others, but I started to see it in another light today. The path that I planned myself is not the one I’m taking and that is okay. I work best when a plan is drawn out in my head and stick to it. Travelling to Australia and giving up the many comforts of my home and future endeavors was not in my plan drawn up before Jamie. Deviating from “the plan” is what is making my head spin like a tornado. So I’m putting the old, outdated blueprint of my life in a file cabinet near the back of my mind and creating a new one. Starting here and now.  I’ve decided that if nothing else, this trip, move, adventure, journey, whatever you call it, will be my way of chilling out and taking a breath. I need to find my happy again: my spontaneous: my passion for living and being free to do whatever I set my mind to, not what the plan in my head thinks I should do.  The journey to a freer me!

            It’s 2 in the morning so I think I should go to bed now; but before I do, I have one last thing to share. I put in my notice at work today! My last day will be August 2^nd. Wow that makes things very real! The next 4 weeks are going to fly by! And with my new perspective on my future and its uncertainty (that I only just gained while typing out this entry), I almost feel more free by having tied up that loose end, and being able to create an entirely new, modernized blueprint! On second thought, screw blueprints! I think I’ll just wing it! See, I’m learning J

AAAHHHH!!!!

So let me start by saying that in the last 20 hours I have gone from being satisfied, content and excited about the rapid approach of August 16^th to 100% SCARED SHITLESS!!! ....for lack of better words.... How this happened all came up from one simple question that Jamie asked me in the kind-hearted curiosity he has for my well-being. He asked, “How are you feeling about it all?” That’s a question that hasn’t been posed in a very long time so when I read it my mind couldn’t help but to flip, circle and spin like never before. All the “controversial” topics that I had deliberated on were all handled with open-minded yet critical discernment. Each one of these items: holding off on education, moving in with Jamie, saying goodbye to family: just to name a few, were processed and set aside as thing I could do. The difference between how I feel now and how I felt then was the gap of time that each one came up. Obviously leaving family was the first hurdle to pass; I decided it was temporary (for now) and that there were countless ways in which we could keep communication going. As that subject was dealt with the next came up and so on. This time when Jamie asked that one question, they all came flooding into my head at once and needless to say I am quite overwhelmed. After putting all my nerves and worries onto Jamie I became distraught that he couldn't give me an answer to what I was feeling or going through. In hindsight, I know that I was being completely irrational and apologize again, Jamie, for having unrealistic expectations that you have superpowers to ease my crazy thoughts. Unfortunately I know that this will not be the only lapse in confidence I have along the journey and even when we get to Perth. I am sad to say, or even admit, that my fears are getting in the way of my excitement. I think having Jamie here in 24 days will help me immensely because I will have the best reason for this adventure looking into my eyes and that’s always enough comfort to calm me down. Up to this point Jamie has been one strong rock keeping me steady through all sorts of situations. He’s been a constant through high school graduation, going away to SFSU, frustrations with friends and my roommate, family issues, the difficult transition from SFSU back home again and many more. I have no doubt that he’ll be unwavering through this transition as well. The only problem I have left is putting these unrealistic and silly thoughts out of my head and enjoying the journey from here on out. Easier said than done, but definitely worth trying for.