Taylor Swift

     The themes in just about every single Taylor Swift song seem to ring 99% true in my life. When i was a senior in high school her current album was all lovey dovey which rang true for all the silly crushes my friends and I had on various jocks. We would blare the love songs with the windows down at night and profess the love (through lyrics) that we would never actually verbalize to the boys we wanted to. Now her new album is pretty much all about the people who left her behind, the people she left behind and all the damage it inflicted. Bingo. Hit the nail on the head again. I don't mean for this entry to be about self pity by any means. It's more of a vent session for the things on my mind at 1:24 AM. I even tried writing less abstractly than this in my journal, but here's hoping plan B works!

      I feel as though there's been a consistent theme in my life of people leaving, changing, disappointing, etc. I am one of those at fault. I remember the first friend I lost to a change in circumstances in 7th grade. I think about her very often, hoping she's doing well and forgiving me for the differences we had. From then to now I can name off the others that changed or tried to change me, and for that were left behind. Left behind is almost too strong of a statement. It's more like they now play a significantly less important role in my life. People who I could never imagine feeling this way about. People I grew together with so strongly only for us to diverge somewhere along the way. What changes? My guess would be the environment we are surrounded by most often, including our peers and activities in which we partake. That actually goes for every scenario I can think of in which someone became more distant to me. In one of the scenarios I believe I was the one who was being changed by a peer and certain activities: the other friend lost through this was the one who tried to change me. I still debate whether or not what he did was right. Maybe it was a little of both. That leads me to my next question...Is change a bad thing? In most cases I assume that the person who changes feels they are better off. But what about the people who needed them? The people who they abandoned to move in a different direction? I won't use the word "growth" because I feel like sometimes change isn't beneficial to the person...but at what price does personal branching come? There has to be a point at which we're just happy. No more transformation rubbish and just enjoying the people who love you for YOU. As someone who has been on both sides of this game of pickle, I just don't have a concrete answer. There is so much to be gained in change; but I have witnessed and felt more loss from personal branching than the flip side. I guess that makes me bias.
     In all this I think all I can do is count my losses and move forward with better intentions when thinking about leaving someone out of my future. I may not want them around now or have sore feelings about certain things but I may need them down the road and there's one person in particular I don't know if I could ever forgive myself for letting go. BUT:
     Last question...when all is said and done and someone has made you feel like you've been dropped on the side of the road...are you supposed to feel happy for them? That they've found something better in life than what you could offer? It's the obvious WWJD answer to say "yes." But as a human being, how is someone supposed to just pick up their baggage and move on?

   

Man in the Mirror ~ Michael Jackson

     Yesterday someone posted a very heinous comment and picture on a certain social networking website that has been eating at me for the last 12 hours since it went up. I am struck with disbelief that any human could say something so LOW about another human being, and someone who is more or less my family. Even as I'm writing this my body is starting to shake with anger and my heart feels like it is literally going to beat out of my skin, I am so angry. To put things in context, the photo and comment weren't of someone that the poster knew. This was a picture of a random person that the poster decided to publicly ridicule by posting for all of their friends to see. A person that the poster didn't take time to know: his name, his history, his pain, his laughter...The person who posted this, and somebody who is very close to me, have mocked this type of person for years now. It started as just a difference in lifestyles and the comments were more about how with the right knowledge this group could benefit. As time went by the comments developed into a prejudice that I would try to object to or roll my eyes in frustration. But this...this is something that physically makes me sick. I didn't fall asleep for a few hours because I was running all the things through my mind that I could say to try and make this person realize the magnitude of their hurtful words. I debated, and am still debating on saying something. I saw a picture online that said something like: It's important to stand up for what you believe, even if that means standing down." When do you know which is the right way? Either I say something and cause a rift between myself and the other person, or I stand down and let it happen and let them go on hurting people. I'm not perfect, don't claim to be, nor will I ever be. I have judged people and made comments about people unfairly and I can only say that it is people like these that make me want to look at myself and make a change. After this comment I never want to say another bad word against anyone because I see the ugliness and evil in each one. That's not the person I want to be. That is the person I refuse to be.

     I heard recently that the meaning behind the Mayan's calendar isn't that the world is going to end, but instead there will be a change in thinking. A new perspective on life. If this IS the case, I challenge myself and others to keep this acronym in mind. If the only person who benefits from a statement is you, then your ego, should probably rethink saying it out loud.

     In closing, if I could say one thing to this person I would say this:
I hope that the pain that you are causing isn't for nothing. I hope you can at least rest your head at night feeling like a bigger man for it.

Home ~ Phillip Phillips

     I have arrived in Oregon!! It's weird to have the mindset that Eugene is now my "home." It's almost like I have to make a conscious effort to have this mindset though. Not only is it because I've never known "home" to be anywhere other than Orange County, but also because, I'm sure I've said it before, I'm a gypsy soul. I have the need to move from one place to the next. I want to be constantly learning new cultures and seeing new things. Feel new feelings and experience more than my mind can take! So a few days after settling in, I started to get that antsy bug ALREADY. I started to have a mini panic attack because I had never gotten "the bug" so soon after arriving somewhere. I told Jamie, who I have remained close friends with, about this and how it made me scared because I didn't feel like anywhere I ever went would ever feel like home. He made me realized that the only reason I felt that way is because of that scared feeling. I have no friends here, I only know Katie and her fiance, Nick. I hardly know my way to three stores, among other things that made me feel very unsettled. But that's when I realized that the conscious effort needed to be made on my part to just be. To remind myself every day that it's okay to be unsettled only a week after arriving, or even a month or two after arriving. It will take time and I will be happy and feel like I belong when life falls into place. The song Home by Phillip Phillips goes like this:

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

I just have to keep chugging along and know that God has a plan for me. Even if I'm afraid to face it right now.

A Little Bit Stronger~ Country Strong

     When I came back to the US I was hit with a wave of obstacles to overcome. My Opa had passed away just a few weeks before my return, not giving me a chance to say my last goodbyes and I love you’s. I was dealing with a break up (through my own doing) that left me feeling a lethal combination of emotions all once. After these two events alone, I was feeling completely guilt-ridden and in need of an escape. That’s where the music comes in. It was a toss-up between the song I chose for this entry and Stronger by B. Spears. This song won out because it dates back to when times were even tougher and helped me through. My hope through this new blog style is that I can help others (and myself) through "the good, the bad, and the ugly," or at least make it a bit easier . While I can’t say my heart is as healthy as it was a few months ago, each day I get a little bit stronger. Each day presents a new challenge.  Just like in the Script's "Six Degrees of Separation" the 3rd is when you're world splits down the middle, the 4th is when you think that you've fixed yourself, the fifth, you see them out with someone else...etc.  Sometimes you need to cry about it, some days you need to talk about it with someone who can relate (or anyone who will listen), and other days you just need to knock a few back at the bar. Pick your poison! As long as you don’t go too overboard with any one of these. At the end of any terrible and cloudy day, you know, even in the smallest corner of your mind, that the sun will shine again and in full force. Your genuine smile will come back. And that’s what makes us stronger. "Keep Holding On."