Who You Are ~ Jessie J.

      

      While all the songs I've written about previously are based on emotions or life events that I'm going through, this one in particular hit closer to home about who I am (hence the title). 

I stare at my reflection in the mirror
Why am I doing this to myself?

Losing my mind on a tiny error,

I nearly left the real me on the shelf

"no, no, no, no..."

      This first verse touches on the part of me that is extremely self-critical, how I obsess over something big or small that I regret doing, thinking, or even feeling. I beat myself up over something that was just pure instinct. For being myself. A co-worker didn't smile at me as much today...what did I do wrong? How can I change to be more likable? Or how that guy I went on a few dates with was a waste of time... I should have seen it coming. I was too easily fooled. I need to be better at seeing through people and standing up for myself. 

Don't lose who you are in the blur of the stars!

Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,

It's okay not to be okay...

Sometimes it's hard, to follow your heart.

Tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising,

Just be true to who you are!

      Sometimes...okay not sometimes...I am always confusing living in reality with living in my dreams. This is a blessing and a curse all at once. On one hand I'm able to dream up wonderful scenarios to keep myself entertained and optimistic about the possibilities and "what ifs." On the other hand though I find myself really believing the things I dream up. I set unrealistic expectations for life and end up disappointed, wondering what the hell happened, and why I'm so emotion over something that really wasn't a big deal to begin with. That's where, as Jessie J. states, "don't lose who you are in the blur of the stars" . 

       But Jessie J. also says, "it's okay to be who you are." I'm hoping that just being aware of how unrealistic my imagination can be will help me to stay grounded when it starts wondering again. My mom recently gave me a self-help/workbook that helps to make yourself aware of your wondering mind and to pull yourself back to the present. I was reading this book in a coffee shop when the barista came up and discussed with me something called "present time consciousness," which is pretty much the exact same thing. It is such an intriguing topic to read on and to literally exercise your mind with the activities the workbook demonstrates. I can obviously learn a lot from these concepts and hopefully bring myself less hurt and much more peace of mind. 

Try ~ PINK

    

Funny how the heart can be deceiving

More than just a couple times

Why do we fall in love so easy?

Even when it's not right

Where there is desire

There is gonna be a flame

Where there is a flame

Someone's bound to get burned

But just because it burns

Doesn't mean you're gonna die

You've gotta get up and try, and try, and try

Gotta get up and try, and try, and try

You gotta get up and try, and try, and try

      Over the last few months I've been trying to pick myself off the ground and dust myself off. Every now and again I'd feel as though I were finally standing upright and steady on my two feet and then my knees would give out on me and I'd have to start all over. I got a job and they told me on my second shift that I needed to look for another job because they didn't have any hours for me...back to the job hunt, which is draining enough. Then I had this cloud hanging over my head, making every day an emotional roller coaster. And that's no exaggeration. A song would trigger a memory. A memory would trigger tears. Tears would trigger guilt for still being so hung up on something that I should be over by now. And the guilt would trigger anger toward the person that was causing the cloud in the first place. I was giving my "ex-" control over my emotions without realizing it, just by staying "friends" and allowing free communication. My best friend and my mother made me realize how toxic his "presence" was in my life and so I gained the strength to tell him goodbye for good. Some people are put in your life as a blessing and others as a lesson. When all is said and done he is a lesson that blessed the last few years of my life. After taking him out of my life I immediately felt the cloud lift. Though I still have certain triggers, I am much more equipped to handled them in this healthier mindset. Every day I see the sun getting brighter and the grass getting greener. Without that dark gray cloud over my head I find it much easier to be positive automatically and not just by force. I can finally say with confidence that I've wiped off all the dust and have picked myself up into a stable stance, maybe even taking a few steps forward.
      This month I got a job at a great brewery in town where all my co-workers are extremely friendly. I've even stayed after two shifts to have a beer with a group of them! I completed my training and am now doing solo shifts...and I'm surviving!
      In addition, school started this week! I'm only taking one math class at the local cc but I'm enjoying every second of it! Going back after a year has made me incredibly eager for knowledge. I'm excited to wake up at 6:30 am for my 8:00 class, and being able to actually understand the concepts being taught is enough to keep me awake and stimulated until class gets out two hours later. Even doing homework feels like a blessing. The last time I took a math class was in high school and I didn't believe that I was smart enough to understand...and so I didn't. Looking back over every experience I've gone through, all the paths I've chosen, I'm very happy about where I am today.
      In other news... I found a letter in the mail from Oregon State University...I got in!! I'm still waiting for a response from Portland State University, but nonetheless; I am ecstatic that I will be attending a four year university next year!! I'm finally back on track!!

Long Gone, Moved On ~ The Script

    

  Time, they say, heals all wounds. Well in that case time has decided to stand still in my little universe. All time has done for me is make my mind go back and forth, from here to there and everywhere in between. "When's the day you start again? When the hell does 'you'll get over it' begin?" It's been four months and I'm still searching for those answers. I'm done wondering and wishing things were different. I'm done looking back and aching from the memories that are just so wonderful that it hurts not to be living in them anymore. I put every single piece of myself into making Jamie and Australia work and left all those pieces behind when I came back home. I can't get them back so I have to build myself up from scratch, and let me tell you, it's the hardest thing I've ever put myself through...moving on. I keep telling myself that it was my choice and therefore it should be easy to walk away and not look back; but sometimes the hardest things and the right things are the same. I think the open wounds from where those pieces were ripped from me are what hurt the most. I'm an empty shell that knows something great once belonged inside. When does it stop? How is the pain supposed to just stop? "I love you but I leave you, I don't want you but I need you" (Zac Brown Band).  I always thought that Jamie and I did a good job at staying independent from one another but as I'm writing I'm realizing how codependent on him I was. Maybe they weren't just pieces that were left behind, maybe it was the tearing away of my other half that I had grown into. Obviously not the healthiest relationship but nonetheless, excruciating to break away from voluntarily. So..

From this moment on, I'm changing the way I feel
From this moment on, it's time to get real

'Cause I still don't know how to act
Don't know what to say
Still wear the scars like it was yesterday
But you're long gone and you're moved on
But I still don't know where to start, still finding my way
Still talk about you like it was yesterday
But you're long gone and moved on...

      It won't be as simple as just flipping the switch but today's the day that it really is time to get real. Time to start changing my attitude and stop mourning the life I wish I had. I live in a beautiful area which I'm sure also has plenty of opportunity for me if I seek them out. I was reminded by my aunt yesterday of a phrase my Opa always said, "the best is yet to come." So I may be feeling pretty low right about now but hey, you can't appreciate the top until you've seen the bottom. 

Holding On and Letting Go ~ Ross Copperman

      

     When making life altering decisions, sometimes we feel as though both options are exactly what you do and don't want. That definitely rings true for everything I'm going through in my life. When I left Jamie it was "everything [I] wanted, and everything [I] don't." I wanted to stay with him because I loved him so deeply, but simultaneously, knew that I needed to find someone who loved me back in the same way. Same goes for moving to Eugene. I wanted to start a new life (again), and be able to put down my roots (again). But Perth was the place where I most felt at home. I didn't want to leave. I wanted to start my life there. I wanted to have a career there, grow old there. Since leaving that beautiful city down under, I grieve everyday for those things and more: the people I met, the way of life, the culture, the feelings Perth gave me, the best friend I lost through the process, everything about it. It's "one door swinging open, one door swinging closed." I don't like knowing that if I had stayed I would have had all these things. I wouldn't be looking for a job, I wouldn't be friendless, I wouldn't be cooped up in the house all the time, I'd be bike riding around the lake during their scorching summer, laying on their magnificent beaches, and going out to pubs with mates. But you can't have your cake and eat it too. It's funny how you leave one thing behind because you convince ypurself that there is something much better waiting for you ahead, yet you're actually more miserable. I know it'll take time but damn I'd really like to know that I ditched an almost perfect life to be in the predicament I am now for a good reason. I'm a big dreamer and I'm afraid my imagination got away with itself this time. Maybe I hoped for much more than what reality could provide me with. I'll never stop dreaming and hoping, but hopefully someday reality will be much better than my dreams."Some prayers find an answer, some prayers never know. I'm holding on and letting go."

Side note: Throughout almost entry I've proved a link to youtube clips so that you can hear the song I'm talking about if you don't already know it. I will always link it to the title of a song or lyrics from that song so that you can separate it from the spam :)