Time, they say, heals all wounds. Well in that case time has decided to stand still in my little universe. All time has done for me is make my mind go back and forth, from here to there and everywhere in between. "When's the day you start again? When the hell does 'you'll get over it' begin?" It's been four months and I'm still searching for those answers. I'm done wondering and wishing things were different. I'm done looking back and aching from the memories that are just so wonderful that it hurts not to be living in them anymore. I put every single piece of myself into making Jamie and Australia work and left all those pieces behind when I came back home. I can't get them back so I have to build myself up from scratch, and let me tell you, it's the hardest thing I've ever put myself through...moving on. I keep telling myself that it was my choice and therefore it should be easy to walk away and not look back; but sometimes the hardest things and the right things are the same. I think the open wounds from where those pieces were ripped from me are what hurt the most. I'm an empty shell that knows something great once belonged inside. When does it stop? How is the pain supposed to just stop? "I love you but I leave you, I don't want you but I need you" (Zac Brown Band). I always thought that Jamie and I did a good job at staying independent from one another but as I'm writing I'm realizing how codependent on him I was. Maybe they weren't just pieces that were left behind, maybe it was the tearing away of my other half that I had grown into. Obviously not the healthiest relationship but nonetheless, excruciating to break away from voluntarily. So..
From this moment on, I'm changing the way I feel
From this moment on, it's time to get real
'Cause I still don't know how to act
Don't know what to say
Still wear the scars like it was yesterday
But you're long gone and you're moved on
But I still don't know where to start, still finding my way
Still talk about you like it was yesterday
But you're long gone and moved on...
It won't be as simple as just flipping the switch but today's the day that it really is time to get real. Time to start changing my attitude and stop mourning the life I wish I had. I live in a beautiful area which I'm sure also has plenty of opportunity for me if I seek them out. I was reminded by my aunt yesterday of a phrase my Opa always said, "the best is yet to come." So I may be feeling pretty low right about now but hey, you can't appreciate the top until you've seen the bottom.
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