Taylor Swift

     The themes in just about every single Taylor Swift song seem to ring 99% true in my life. When i was a senior in high school her current album was all lovey dovey which rang true for all the silly crushes my friends and I had on various jocks. We would blare the love songs with the windows down at night and profess the love (through lyrics) that we would never actually verbalize to the boys we wanted to. Now her new album is pretty much all about the people who left her behind, the people she left behind and all the damage it inflicted. Bingo. Hit the nail on the head again. I don't mean for this entry to be about self pity by any means. It's more of a vent session for the things on my mind at 1:24 AM. I even tried writing less abstractly than this in my journal, but here's hoping plan B works!

      I feel as though there's been a consistent theme in my life of people leaving, changing, disappointing, etc. I am one of those at fault. I remember the first friend I lost to a change in circumstances in 7th grade. I think about her very often, hoping she's doing well and forgiving me for the differences we had. From then to now I can name off the others that changed or tried to change me, and for that were left behind. Left behind is almost too strong of a statement. It's more like they now play a significantly less important role in my life. People who I could never imagine feeling this way about. People I grew together with so strongly only for us to diverge somewhere along the way. What changes? My guess would be the environment we are surrounded by most often, including our peers and activities in which we partake. That actually goes for every scenario I can think of in which someone became more distant to me. In one of the scenarios I believe I was the one who was being changed by a peer and certain activities: the other friend lost through this was the one who tried to change me. I still debate whether or not what he did was right. Maybe it was a little of both. That leads me to my next question...Is change a bad thing? In most cases I assume that the person who changes feels they are better off. But what about the people who needed them? The people who they abandoned to move in a different direction? I won't use the word "growth" because I feel like sometimes change isn't beneficial to the person...but at what price does personal branching come? There has to be a point at which we're just happy. No more transformation rubbish and just enjoying the people who love you for YOU. As someone who has been on both sides of this game of pickle, I just don't have a concrete answer. There is so much to be gained in change; but I have witnessed and felt more loss from personal branching than the flip side. I guess that makes me bias.
     In all this I think all I can do is count my losses and move forward with better intentions when thinking about leaving someone out of my future. I may not want them around now or have sore feelings about certain things but I may need them down the road and there's one person in particular I don't know if I could ever forgive myself for letting go. BUT:
     Last question...when all is said and done and someone has made you feel like you've been dropped on the side of the road...are you supposed to feel happy for them? That they've found something better in life than what you could offer? It's the obvious WWJD answer to say "yes." But as a human being, how is someone supposed to just pick up their baggage and move on?

   

Man in the Mirror ~ Michael Jackson

     Yesterday someone posted a very heinous comment and picture on a certain social networking website that has been eating at me for the last 12 hours since it went up. I am struck with disbelief that any human could say something so LOW about another human being, and someone who is more or less my family. Even as I'm writing this my body is starting to shake with anger and my heart feels like it is literally going to beat out of my skin, I am so angry. To put things in context, the photo and comment weren't of someone that the poster knew. This was a picture of a random person that the poster decided to publicly ridicule by posting for all of their friends to see. A person that the poster didn't take time to know: his name, his history, his pain, his laughter...The person who posted this, and somebody who is very close to me, have mocked this type of person for years now. It started as just a difference in lifestyles and the comments were more about how with the right knowledge this group could benefit. As time went by the comments developed into a prejudice that I would try to object to or roll my eyes in frustration. But this...this is something that physically makes me sick. I didn't fall asleep for a few hours because I was running all the things through my mind that I could say to try and make this person realize the magnitude of their hurtful words. I debated, and am still debating on saying something. I saw a picture online that said something like: It's important to stand up for what you believe, even if that means standing down." When do you know which is the right way? Either I say something and cause a rift between myself and the other person, or I stand down and let it happen and let them go on hurting people. I'm not perfect, don't claim to be, nor will I ever be. I have judged people and made comments about people unfairly and I can only say that it is people like these that make me want to look at myself and make a change. After this comment I never want to say another bad word against anyone because I see the ugliness and evil in each one. That's not the person I want to be. That is the person I refuse to be.

     I heard recently that the meaning behind the Mayan's calendar isn't that the world is going to end, but instead there will be a change in thinking. A new perspective on life. If this IS the case, I challenge myself and others to keep this acronym in mind. If the only person who benefits from a statement is you, then your ego, should probably rethink saying it out loud.

     In closing, if I could say one thing to this person I would say this:
I hope that the pain that you are causing isn't for nothing. I hope you can at least rest your head at night feeling like a bigger man for it.

Home ~ Phillip Phillips

     I have arrived in Oregon!! It's weird to have the mindset that Eugene is now my "home." It's almost like I have to make a conscious effort to have this mindset though. Not only is it because I've never known "home" to be anywhere other than Orange County, but also because, I'm sure I've said it before, I'm a gypsy soul. I have the need to move from one place to the next. I want to be constantly learning new cultures and seeing new things. Feel new feelings and experience more than my mind can take! So a few days after settling in, I started to get that antsy bug ALREADY. I started to have a mini panic attack because I had never gotten "the bug" so soon after arriving somewhere. I told Jamie, who I have remained close friends with, about this and how it made me scared because I didn't feel like anywhere I ever went would ever feel like home. He made me realized that the only reason I felt that way is because of that scared feeling. I have no friends here, I only know Katie and her fiance, Nick. I hardly know my way to three stores, among other things that made me feel very unsettled. But that's when I realized that the conscious effort needed to be made on my part to just be. To remind myself every day that it's okay to be unsettled only a week after arriving, or even a month or two after arriving. It will take time and I will be happy and feel like I belong when life falls into place. The song Home by Phillip Phillips goes like this:

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

I just have to keep chugging along and know that God has a plan for me. Even if I'm afraid to face it right now.

A Little Bit Stronger~ Country Strong

     When I came back to the US I was hit with a wave of obstacles to overcome. My Opa had passed away just a few weeks before my return, not giving me a chance to say my last goodbyes and I love you’s. I was dealing with a break up (through my own doing) that left me feeling a lethal combination of emotions all once. After these two events alone, I was feeling completely guilt-ridden and in need of an escape. That’s where the music comes in. It was a toss-up between the song I chose for this entry and Stronger by B. Spears. This song won out because it dates back to when times were even tougher and helped me through. My hope through this new blog style is that I can help others (and myself) through "the good, the bad, and the ugly," or at least make it a bit easier . While I can’t say my heart is as healthy as it was a few months ago, each day I get a little bit stronger. Each day presents a new challenge.  Just like in the Script's "Six Degrees of Separation" the 3rd is when you're world splits down the middle, the 4th is when you think that you've fixed yourself, the fifth, you see them out with someone else...etc.  Sometimes you need to cry about it, some days you need to talk about it with someone who can relate (or anyone who will listen), and other days you just need to knock a few back at the bar. Pick your poison! As long as you don’t go too overboard with any one of these. At the end of any terrible and cloudy day, you know, even in the smallest corner of your mind, that the sun will shine again and in full force. Your genuine smile will come back. And that’s what makes us stronger. "Keep Holding On."

The end of My Dream Down Under

     In the last three months, I have experienced the wonderful world of Perth, Australia. I have made some unforgettable memories: my 21st birthday spent in a beautiful casino, surrounded by many friends. I've toured wineries in Margaret River, played Super Golf, enjoyed chocolate from two factories, an array of delicious cheeses, witnessed the magnificently turquoise waters of Australia's West coast, danced the night away after going to an amazing cocktail bar, enjoyed the delectable dinners of very hospitable friends, attended a charitable party for breast cancer, Saw penguins and a massive lizard the size of my arm on Penguin Island, and many many other incredible times. There is so much more to see and yet not very much time at all to see it in. I am regretful to say that I will be coming home on November 12th. Many things have played into this decision. The first is Jamie and I going our separate ways. The second was the passing of my Opa. Part of me wanted to stay in Australia to finish my exploration but the other part of me felt as though I was an outcast now that Jamie's friends were no longer mine too. I do have an amazing friend here, Elle, but she is also heading to the US next week (for three months), leaving me in "Jamie's country" with nobody; alone and fending for myself without help. This choice started to seem very depressing. My other choice was to go home to Orange County. While I love the familiarity of my hometown, its is the very thing I hate about it. I've always wanted to go out and get lost in some random city and fend for myself, building up my life from scratch. Now that I've experienced this, I can say that it's easier said than done; but not difficult enough to go back to living at home with my mother (no offence, Mom), to the same streets, freeways, buildings, and monotony that I've always felt. So what to do? That's when I was given a third option that trumped the others by far; giving me a visible ladder to move myself up in the world. This option would give me a place to live, an opportunity to find a job outside the part-time hospitality position, and get me back into school. This option was graciously offered by my sister Katie and her fiance, Nick, to move in with them and get back on my feet. I'm moving to Eugene, Oregon!! I am so ready to gain that level of independence that I haven't felt since living in San Francisco. To not answer to anyone. Make my own decisions and have confidence in them because only You are in charge! I think I may even get my own little kitty when I graduate from Katie and Nick's house :) All the possibilites in the world are at my fingertips. Who knows what Eugene has in store for me..???
      I am very sad that my relationship with Jamie is coming to an end but the time I spent with him is something irreplaceable. He has played such a huge part in my life the last few years and I owe a lot of my happiness and emotional well-being to him for being my rock and my constant through some very difficult times. He is such an amazing person and I wish him nothing but the best for the future.
     As  mentioned, my Opa has recently passed away on the 1st of November. He was the most genuinely loving and most selfless man who devoted his life to helping others and serving God. I know that God is holding him close to his heart and taking good care of him in heaven. The world isn't the same without you, Opa <3

Creating a Network

      Hello everyone! Quite a bit has happened since my last entry. I'll start typing what I've done and elaborate if necessary as I go. I met a friend at work named Elle, who is dating a boy from Texas ironically enough. Jamie and I went on a double date with them to the Kingsley Tavern just up the road where we stayed laughing and talking till after the place closed. While Jamie was at work on a different day, his best friend, Asha, took me with her boyfriend to meet a couple they hang out with quite frequently: Steph and Simon. I almost didn't go because of the "fifth wheel" fear but it ended up being one of the best nights I'd had in a while. A few strawberry daiquiris and cheese platters later and I felt as though I'd known them all for much longer than 3 hours. Last weekend Jamie and I went down South with our friends Trent and Daniella. We went wine tasting at many locations, went to two chocolate factories, cheese tasted, and played super golf, among many other things! It was the perfect weekend away from a stressful few weeks at work for both of us. To top it all off, I drove 2 out of the 3 hours home on the left side of the road and the right side of the car! It can be done! Speaking of driving...just a few days ago Jamie and I committed to buying a scooter for me to gain some freedom while he's at work and even when he isn't. This bad boy goes up to 70 km/hour or 43 mph. At least I know I won't be getting a speeding ticket, right? ;)
      So, as most of you know my birthday is coming in about 3 days! The weeks leading up to the present have been very bitter-sweet. But with a little more bitter than sweet. Thinking about your birthday and the ways you usually spend them: surrounded by family and long-time friends, with home-made cake and wrapping paper that needs to be saved for future gifts: and then realising that you're 9000 miles away from any tradition close to that is quite a reality check. Fortunately, Jamie has been my knight in shining armour as usual and distracting my never-ending tears and helping me to get out of the house. Today before he went to work he begged me to text Asha so that we could spend some time hanging out. Again, reluctant to go but ended up having a great time. We even picked up Steph before going to a boutique and picked out a dress for my special night. By the way we invited 10 friends to join us at The Atrium Restaurant in the Burswood Casino for an evening of classy fun :)
     I'm trying to think of anything else that's exciting enough to update you on but as of now I'm drawing a blank. So have a wonderful weekend everyone! I will add pictures later when I'm less sleepy so check back in a few days!
     Also, please keep my Opa in your prayers. There isn't a better man in the world more deserving of many more healthy years to come. I love you, Opa. Stay strong!!! <3

I'm Surviving!

     Hellos from Australia! It's my third full week here in Perth and so far I have loved EVERY moment of it. Jamie and I started off our first morning together, and the few after that, at the ungodly hour of 4 am. Yes, I said 4 am. Hello there jetlag! At the earliest possible minute Jamie took me out to a surprise breakfast at Trigg Island Cafe, and from there took me clothes shopping. Isn't he the best?! In between then and now we've basically been speed dating all of his friends. Lunch with one, dinner with the next and drinks or a movie with another. I can see us having a really good time with all of them so far.

     In other news, I got a job at the Lakeview Cafe, literally right behind his house. When I say literally I mean that his kitchen window looks over the entire patio area. The up side is I'll never have to worry about transportation: the down side is that I can't get away from it! It's there every time I go get something to eat or drink. It's a bit much! It wouldn't be so bad if my supervisor weren't a condescending witch but hey, no job is perfect, right? So my question is...has it been six months yet? Sorry for the negativity but I've been needing a vent session.

     As for Jamie, it was his first day back at work today and my first day conquering Australia on my own. While Jamie was gone I tried to keep myself as occupied as possibly: I ran around the lake, went to the shops across the road for the best back massage I've ever had, bought both my sisters' birthday presents, watched Black Swan, and had some quality bonding conversations with Jamie's Nan. To top it all off, Jamie came home an hour earlier than expected. I'd say it has been a very successful day.
     The only thing I'm really having trouble with is my identity. I feel as though I'm in limbo land and don't really belong anywhere. Obviously my family is in the US, and obviously Jamie is in Australia, but as for me...I'm somewhere in the middle of the Pacific in a tug-of-war. I imagine this is something that many immigrants go through (even though I'm not officially an immigrant). I recently found out that an acquaintance from high school is going to school about 30 minutes South of here so I might just make plans with him to get in touch with my American side again.
     Tonight I'm meeting Jamie's best friend's girlfriend. We're going bowling and to dinner! Lots more adventures to come! I hope all is well in the US! 

     

      

     

Down to the Wire

     It's the end of July and I leave for Australia on the 16th of August. Enough said...it's time to cram all those last details in while I am still sane enough to do so: printing out the itinerary (as most of you know, I am well aware of the consequences when not double-checking flight times), printing out the visa confirmation email explaining all the things I can and cannot do, checking that I have all the suggested vaccines (I have all but 2 out of 11 so that's pretty good), and even googling checklists for moving abroad. I feel as though I've been looking up these questions for so long that I could almost recite what their suggestions are and what their to-do lists say!
     Another big question mark that bounces around in the back of my head is what I'll be doing in exactly one year. This isn't an answer I'm determined to find any time soon but there is still a need for some thinking ahead here. If Jamie and I, as well as if I and Australia, really hit it off, I'm going to need another visa, but which one is the big question mark I'm referring to. This is probably my biggest concern over everything else. I don't want to spend an amazing year with Jamie and then be torn away from him again and begin the ever so stressful course of a long distance relationship once more. Saying goodbye after seeing each other for just a few weeks does enough emotional damage, let alone after bonding for one whole year. Don't get me wrong, I know it's silly to be worrying about this so far in advance but I always feel as though I'll miss a cut off or deadline if I don't get on the ball right now.

     Last preparations are being made. I just taught my Aunt Yvonne how to use Skype and am thinking about having a few little "goodbye gatherings" with family and friends. I was thinking about doing one event in which all my different networks of people would come together for last goodbyes but the more I'm thinking about it, the more awkward it sounds. I really just want it to be as laid back as possible, nothing party-like!
     Jamie comes in about seven days and I am literally counting down every second! I am so anxious to see him come out of the tunnel and throw my arms around him knowing that he isn't going to leave me in only few weeks like our previous visits.
     This may be the last time I have a chance to write before departure so, with that said....I'll see ya down under!!!

A Freer Me

Despite the skepticism displayed in my last entry, I am feeling much better about myself and the choices I’ve made…Thank you to those who have given me words of support and encouragement. My gratitude is endless for helping me to ease the stress off my shoulders… Through this process I have learned many things including the following:

1) How to contact my health insurance and my IPA group to find a new doctor on my own without any help. This may seem silly but when you live at home it’s just natural to ask Mom how to change your doctor, but knowing I’d be on my own without her to ask on a whim, I took the initiative on my own without a word of help from anyone

2) It’s still okay to ask for help. Needing help isn’t a weakness and doesn’t mean that you aren’t a competent adult, it just means you can use knowledge that other people have

3) Communication Communication Communication. I am not the best at this but I have been discovering new things about myself and how I tick that will make this easier in the future

 4) This one is still a work in progress, just as #s 2 and 3 are: It goes along the lines of what my mother has been telling me all along, “there is no right or wrong path, there’s only YOUR path.” I always thought this quote was comparing my life path with that of others, but I started to see it in another light today. The path that I planned myself is not the one I’m taking and that is okay. I work best when a plan is drawn out in my head and stick to it. Travelling to Australia and giving up the many comforts of my home and future endeavors was not in my plan drawn up before Jamie. Deviating from “the plan” is what is making my head spin like a tornado. So I’m putting the old, outdated blueprint of my life in a file cabinet near the back of my mind and creating a new one. Starting here and now.  I’ve decided that if nothing else, this trip, move, adventure, journey, whatever you call it, will be my way of chilling out and taking a breath. I need to find my happy again: my spontaneous: my passion for living and being free to do whatever I set my mind to, not what the plan in my head thinks I should do.  The journey to a freer me!

            It’s 2 in the morning so I think I should go to bed now; but before I do, I have one last thing to share. I put in my notice at work today! My last day will be August 2^nd. Wow that makes things very real! The next 4 weeks are going to fly by! And with my new perspective on my future and its uncertainty (that I only just gained while typing out this entry), I almost feel more free by having tied up that loose end, and being able to create an entirely new, modernized blueprint! On second thought, screw blueprints! I think I’ll just wing it! See, I’m learning J

AAAHHHH!!!!

So let me start by saying that in the last 20 hours I have gone from being satisfied, content and excited about the rapid approach of August 16^th to 100% SCARED SHITLESS!!! ....for lack of better words.... How this happened all came up from one simple question that Jamie asked me in the kind-hearted curiosity he has for my well-being. He asked, “How are you feeling about it all?” That’s a question that hasn’t been posed in a very long time so when I read it my mind couldn’t help but to flip, circle and spin like never before. All the “controversial” topics that I had deliberated on were all handled with open-minded yet critical discernment. Each one of these items: holding off on education, moving in with Jamie, saying goodbye to family: just to name a few, were processed and set aside as thing I could do. The difference between how I feel now and how I felt then was the gap of time that each one came up. Obviously leaving family was the first hurdle to pass; I decided it was temporary (for now) and that there were countless ways in which we could keep communication going. As that subject was dealt with the next came up and so on. This time when Jamie asked that one question, they all came flooding into my head at once and needless to say I am quite overwhelmed. After putting all my nerves and worries onto Jamie I became distraught that he couldn't give me an answer to what I was feeling or going through. In hindsight, I know that I was being completely irrational and apologize again, Jamie, for having unrealistic expectations that you have superpowers to ease my crazy thoughts. Unfortunately I know that this will not be the only lapse in confidence I have along the journey and even when we get to Perth. I am sad to say, or even admit, that my fears are getting in the way of my excitement. I think having Jamie here in 24 days will help me immensely because I will have the best reason for this adventure looking into my eyes and that’s always enough comfort to calm me down. Up to this point Jamie has been one strong rock keeping me steady through all sorts of situations. He’s been a constant through high school graduation, going away to SFSU, frustrations with friends and my roommate, family issues, the difficult transition from SFSU back home again and many more. I have no doubt that he’ll be unwavering through this transition as well. The only problem I have left is putting these unrealistic and silly thoughts out of my head and enjoying the journey from here on out. Easier said than done, but definitely worth trying for. 

Afraid to Let Go

    The other day I went through the shows that I had recorded through the TV. I had three House Hunters International recordings and all three were based in Australia. Big surprise, ay? The first two were good, just families moving around, but the third one tugged at my "worry thoughts" the most. This one was about a lady moving from somewhere in the US (New York I think?) to live with her husband over in Queensland. The story line, of course, was cute but then they showed her saying goodbye to her parents. From that moment on I've had a pit in my stomach. I pictured myself having to say goodbye to my own mother and how much I'd miss having her friendship by my side day in and day out like I do now. Usually at this age, people are leaving their parents' home to find there own apartment in the area, or to go off to college, but always with the knowledge that they are a short drive or flight away. As you've probably gathered, my circumstances will be much different from these. The fastest time to reach home again is twenty two hours, minimum! I've been writing all about how fabulous it will be to gain independence again and to live out on my own but I've been neglecting to say how much of a Mamma's girl I am! As the days go by I'm getting more internally emotional about the move and know that soon it will be pouring out of me for everyone else to see too. This picture poster sums it up pretty well...

I want so badly to get out and explore but at the same time I'm kind of terrified of leaving the comforts of home behind. When this quote says "someone who's brave enough to take care of us every once and awhile," I picture my mom. I keep playing tug-of-war in my mind with the two thoughts, get out and roam the earth or stay and feel safe in the familiar. There's another quote I really like that goes, "The lust for comfort murders the passions of the soul." At first this may seem like a strange quote but if you break it down it means exactly what I just said. In layman's terms: stay for comfort and my dreams will die.

[Pardon the "offensive" language] I've saved a bunch of these random picture quote/phrases to my picture files over the last few years just because they seemed to appeal to me, but now more than ever I really take them to heart.  Quotes are like words of wisdom from strangers. Beautiful words that sometimes put life into more simple terms. 

     Recently I've been having a major internal struggle about friends from high school. I feel as though I've been left in the dust since introducing everyone to Jamie at Christmas two years ago. My male friends didn't make a single effort to stand up, shake his hand, say hello or introduce themselves. Our presents was hardly acknowledged the entire time. That was the first blow. From then on out it seems I'm being ostracized for my happiness. I know this seems like a bit of a stretch, even writing it makes me feel like I'm being irrational but what other reason would it be? Last summer I hung out with all of them a few times every week and now they're making plans with out me and posting it all over the internet. The point of writing this paragraph was not to say "whoa is me." The point is the debate I have going on in my head. Do I push past my pride and invite them all for a day at the beach even though I feel abandoned by them, or do I say screw it, I'm leaving in two months and will make new friends? The obvious choice is to just push past the pain and make plans of my own to include everybody. This way I don't leave with burnt and bitter bridges, but that's going to be really tough. It took a lot of strength just to ask one of the girls in that group if I could stop by her house to say "hi" because I was in the area. Friendships are supposed to be effortless! Today I spent the afternoon with an old co-worker who has been my best friend since I had a job with her back in 2008. We spent the day laughing and it reminded me of how good friendships are supposed to be. Which pulls me back to saying forget to the group of people who don't feel the need to hang out with me anyway! Such turmoil in my head and heart. Again, I'm sorry for this petty drama I threw in but it's the closest thing I have to venting and sorting my thoughts at 12:53 am. 

     

Standing my Ground.

     For quite a few months now I have been doing extensive research on several different things in order to prepare for the big move. Honestly, I think all of the energy behind the research was fueled by my amazing procrastination skills during the school semester. Now that school is out and the assignments have ended I can't think of one darn thing to research. So what have I been doing to prepare? Going on Google Earth and perusing the local places around the neighborhood of course! Well, that and looking at places to rent even though we won't be renting a place any time in the near future. It's quite pathetic actually. But this sad waste of time did actually help me find something very important. Let me start by backing up a few days. This last weekend I visited my middle sister, Kim, in Boulder, CO (the most incredible and much needed weekend I've had in a long time! Thanks Kim ;)). I had a good conversation with her boyfriend about the jobs that I could or should get while I'm there. He suggested that I look into getting a job that revolves around the profession I'm aiming toward, which is Respiratory Therapy. So going back to my Google Earth search, I found two medical centers within a mile from the house I'll be staying in! I'm so excited about this because in my mind it's a way of becoming more educated while I'm not in school. If I get the job (probably just filing or doing other grunge work), I'll at least be in the environment that I'm working toward in the future. I may not be getting school credits or working toward a degree during this time period but I'll at least be gaining the experience and the addition to my resume. Such a wonderful epiphany!

        Recently another conversation came up revolving my Australian adventure. I was faced with questions like: how do you really know this guy, have you thought about x, y, and, z, what if this or that were to come up, what if down the road...and so on. I know in my heart that they were looking out for my best interest with all these questions but I found it interesting how talking to different people makes me feel different things. A few weeks ago I was fortunate enough to have a fabulous conversation with my incredibly wise and insightful aunt about the exact same things. I felt so empowered and confident about my relationship with Jamie afterward, almost as if I fell in love with him all over again just by talking about "us." After this particular conversation in Colorado I was left feeling uneasy about the decision: second-guessing once more. All of the points made were very valid, but something about this was different. Maybe it's the way the questions are phrased or the way they had only know the situation through second-hand information except for this one conversation, making me feel as though my answers were more highly critiqued or judged. Or my favorite reason: they think they know what's best for me.  People question things that are different and go their entire lives thinking that other people who "go against the grain" are wrong; but why is it that people are so quick to conclude that different is bad? And I''m not just talking about this one instance. I realized that people push how they would feel in my situation or in my relationship; but here's another epiphany, this isn't their life! I'm doing what is best for me, not them. Period. Don't get me wrong, I, myself have "what if" questions running through my mind but I'm sure as hell not going to let them rule my life. I could play that game with every tiny decision I make: what if I roll out of bed on the left side instead of the right? I won't know until I try! And I firmly believe it is worth the risk. I'm learning (slowly) that setbacks in life (while they may be so infuriating) are really not walls that I can't climb over but merely curves in the road. With this new (and still kind of shaky) attitude, nothing that I face during my trip can hold me back from achieving my goals. This isn't to say that there's nothing to be cautious of, but I am a pretty darn intelligent young woman and I like to think that I am more than capable of thinking each situation and circumstance that may or may not come up all the way through. That's all the credit I ask for. If you believe in my intelligence then you should believe in my ability to make my own independent choices.

     On another note, I still haven't committed to a health insurance company 100% yet. The last time I was about to join up something made me stop to reconsider, and not gonna lie, that was so long ago that I don't even remember what it was. So I should probably get on that ay?

    A few weekends ago I went to my Opa and Oma's house again for my Oma's birthday. I was able to take the day off work and my aunt and her good friend from Reno were also able to join in on the festivities. We had such a fabulous day driving through the several wineries in Temecula. After finally finding the perfect one, we found ourselves a table, ordered a huge pitcher of sangria, and basked in each others' company till the sangria wore off. When we got back to the house, they showed me two more pieces of luggage that they had picked up for me. One is a normal, good sized suitcase, and the second is a huge duffle-bag like thing with wheels and a pullout handle. And when I say huge, I mean HUGE. It's absolutely perfect for my massive load of possessions so I'm anxious to pile everything in! Is is still too soon to pack?? 

     

The Countdown Continues

     It's Summer! Today is May 25, 2012. Or in my eyes almost June, meaning almost July, meaning almost August! How long exactly you ask? I'll add a link that says the exact time and date that Jamie and I will be taking off on those silver wings.

Time and Date Countdown  (<-- click)

 (If this doesn't open for you, it says 83 days, 10 hours, 55 minutes, 27, 26, 25...seconds, and so on)
     I have so many emotions running through my head that its hard to explain even one of them. If someone asks if I'm excited, the nervousness takes over, but if they ask if I'm scared, the excitement sets in. All I can do is trust that I made the right decision when I thought things through in my more sane days, not so much right now when I'm in panic mode. In the last few months throughout this process I've learned how important it is to "trust your first instinct and don't second guess yourself." Every time I made a big decision I would feel confident in it...only until someone brought up if I were reallllly sure that I thought x, y, and z through all the way. After crumbling to the questions and rethinking everything, I would always be led right back to my first conclusion, this is the best option. I've put all my brain power into thinking through the outcomes of everything I'll be faced with and everything I'll be leaving behind (for the time being). The decision to move to Perth for a year had the least amount of negatives and the highest amount of positives. In Perth, I could have my cake, and maybe eat a finger full of frosting too; while the other choices gave me a smaller piece of cake with no frosting. I think you'd take the bigger piece with frosting too!
     A conversation about feeling the need to explain myself and my decisions came up recently with my sister and the advice she gave me made me feel so much more at ease. The opinions of my family mean more to me than they realize. I know they support me because they know I wouldn't let a day go by without thinking things through 100 times, but to really have their encouragement means the world to me. I think I go into explanation mode as my own kind of encouragement too. As stated in the entire paragraph above, I'm very happy with my decision, but being happy with the choice I've made doesn't quite decrease its magnitude. I have to keep reminding myself that all will be okay. And just because its the most difficult, doesn't mean its not the best one for me (see, explanation mode again). Day by day the magnitude increases. It's like looking at the mountains from Orange County and thinking, "they look like little hills!" but as you get closer you start to ask yourself if you're really strong enough to make the climb. I don't know if I'm strong enough to run up the mountain without stopping a couple 100 times along the way, but I know that the incentives waiting for me at the top are enough to keep me going. Not only do I have Jamie waiting with open arms, but I have also breached the gateway to traveling and exploring the world. Two dreams wrapped up into one! For quite some time now I feel like I've been living in a little bird cage that we call Orange County. I had my chance at freedom when I went to San Francisco for a year but flew right back into the cage when plans changed. I feel like this opportunity has opened the door for me once again and it's my time to take it and fly. I'm going to end with this because I feel like I've given way to many metaphors for one day. Have a fabulous weekend, everyone!

 Jamie just sent this picture to me today and I think it captures the scenario perfectly :)

Tough Choices

     Last weekend, for Mother's Day, I went to my grandparents house in Temecula. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful family that gives me unconditional encouragement and support. The suitcase that they found for me is absolutely perfect! It's larger than I expected and in pristine condition. Bonus! After discussing the inventory of items I want to bring to Perth with my eldest sister, Katie, and my Oma, I realized that the little things like books aren't really necessary objects. We decided that they were items of comfort and not objects that I couldn't live without. Books can be found anywhere, and lucky for me Jamie's sister, Karis, loves to read so I'm sure I might be able to borrow a book or two if the need is really there. Clothes, shoes, and toiletries are the only essentials I'll be bringing with me to the Southern hemisphere...and maybe a few picture frames...and electronics...and the big stuffed animal elephant my dad gave me for Christmas? Oh dear, here we go again.
    Something a bit easier to pack I'll definitely need to bring is a confirmation printout from the health insurance company. After the swap meet a few weeks ago, my dad and I sat down and looked through dozens of websites to find the lowest rates with the highest amount of coverage for Australian visitors. We decided that a company called "Bupa" ( I know it sounds funny to me too) had what I was looking for. The insurance package I chose costs $26.44 per "fortnight," or per every two weeks. It covers pretty much every hospital stay need I'll need (or hopefully not need), and also covers extras like doctor visits, general dental, optical, pharmacy, and well living, plus much more. What is well living you ask? That includes gym memberships, yoga, pilates, swimming lessons, first aid courses, etc! Crazy, right?! The one thing that I am a bit concerned about is the fact that excess co-pays are not covered. To be honest, I don't know very much at all when it comes to medical details and what-not but I know that a co-pay is the amount you have to pay before the insurance takes over...right? So that means I could pay $300 for one doctor visit? Or more!? Everyone cross your fingers that I don't get sick or have an accident that involves the hospital because this stuff goes right over my head!
     To add to the rest of this madness, I was recently told that the English class I had taken last year, does not meet the requirements for graduation and GE certification. What does this mean? It means I can't get the degree that I've been working very diligently to attain because I need to take a class that does meet the requirement. The options: Take the class during summer and have less time to spend with my friends and family before leaving, or I could wait until the Fall 2012 semester and take it as an online class while in Perth. The latter being my first choice. As silly as it sounds, this trip is about gaining confidence in my independence. I hope to someday sooner than later to gain residency in Australia so that I can attend a university and get my bachelors degree. Yes, I went to SFSU last year so I know how it is to not have my mommy holding my hand the whole way through, but that was only one year. This is life I'm talking about. I want to prove to myself more than anyone that I am able to do this. I digress; the reason I want to do the online class while in Perth is to have a small intro to how well I handle myself in a life where I am both a full-time student (or part-time for the time being), and simultaneously as a wide-eyed tourist where the new continent is my playground! Make sense? I feel like I'm trying to hard to make my point and convince you all that I really do have some method to this madness, so I'm going to end with my favorite quote as a reminder to myself: "Without a struggle, there can be no progress."

Mile-high Shipping Costs

After having a lovely breakfast together, my dad and I went to the local swap meet to find things we don't really need. Well, that's only half true. I'm looking for another large suitcase. Nothing special, it can be used, dirty, whatever. I just need something with a zipper to get my immense supply of clothing to Perth. Fortunately I have my grandparents keeping their eyes open for me. We were able to find a small one but still keeping our fingers crossed for the really big ones! While perusing the aisles, I was a bit hesitant of buying a suitcase without having stopped by FedEx or UPS yet, but I didn't need to worry too much because in the end we didn't find anything anyway. On our way home I figured that was as good a time as any to get those international shipping quotes. First stop: UPS. Take a guess...just throw out a number...any number. You'll probably need to double it. They quoted me four hundred some-odd dollars to send a 16x16x16 box of approximately 30 pounds (which is probably on the low end of what it would actually weight)!! So with this number in mind we headed over to FedEx. I can't even say that it got better. With the same amount of weight, in a slightly bigger box, I was quoted five hundred thirty nine dollars!! I mean I get that they're taking a box half way around the world but, sheesh! So here's my last option, pay seventy dollars to take an extra bag with me on Air New Zealand. And I gotta tell ya, seventy dollars is actually looking pretty good right now! I think sometime soon I'm going to do a "practice" pack to see how much stuff I really have. I think I'm most worried about the random stuff I'd like to take with me like books, and shoes! I almost forgot about my shoes! They weigh a ton all together! Oh here come the worries, although I'm not really sure why. I do have about three large suitcases with Jamie's and mine combined so I'll probably have enough space. Hopefully! Maybe..? On another note, I said in my last post that I was going to figure out all the financial details next. The problem is, I'm having a hard time figuring out exactly what I'm looking for! Jamie told me I should get a traveler's check to bring over but I'm not really sure what that is or how it works so there's a bit more of research I'll have update you on later. But for now, Happy Cinco de Mayo!!

I can drive!

My most recent step toward 100% preparedness for moving was getting an International Driving Permit.  For those of you wanting to know how to get an IDP, you can get them through AAA. All you need is a current drivers license, a 15 dollar check, two passport sized photos (2" by 2") that are super cheap at Costco, and an application form that you can print right off their website. Lucky for me, I was the only one in line for that station so I was helped almost immediately and took about 5 minutes for completion. And viola! I am now able to drive in a ton of different countries!

When I met with my dad just after this errand, he asked me if I had gotten car insurance yet. My first thought..."Craaaaaap." I hadn't even thought about that! Later I asked Jamie about their car insurance policies and fortunately they insure by the vehicle not the driver, so I will be added onto his (if I understood correctly of course). And never mind the fact that his car is manual and I've only ever driven automatic! That too shall come in time! Next on the "to-do" list is finding out how to transfer my savings and checking accounts; all things having to do with money, including credit cards. In addition to that I've been meaning to stop by UPS and FedEx to compare their international shipping rates so that I can send any belongings that don't quite fit into the luggage that Jamie and I are hauling to Perth. Fingers crossed that I find a good deal (or that I put enough clothes in the give-away pile before August that I won't need extra shipping)!

First of many entries to come...

Hello there, all!
For those of your who do not know me, my name is Courtney. The purpose of this blog is to share my upcoming adventure in Perth, Australia. The first question I had when I heard of Perth is, where the heck is that? Well to enlighten you, it's the main city on the West coast of Australia, the opposite side of Sydney. Another question you may be asking is why some random city no one knows about? Well here goes! On Easter Sunday, April 4, 2010, I was fortunate enough to have the last open seat next to me on a flight to Reno. A young Australian man, by the name of Jamie, happened to be in need of this last seat and so our relationship began: first through Facebook as just friends, then video chatting, and eventually we found ourselves in love and travelling to one another's home countries. Recently I hit a road block in my education, and after much grief, I realized it was a blessing in disguise. I was now faced with the opportunity to visit Perth on a more permanent basis than just a quick tourist trip like I had done last summer. So that's what I'm doing; I'm taking the leap with my year-long Working Holiday visa to test things out and broaden my horizons. I've had the dream of travelling and living outside of the US, or even living outside of California, for as long as I can remember, and I am more than thrilled to make this dream come true!! But don't let the excitement fool you completely. I'm freaking out inside. From driving on the Left side of the road to learning the metric system, I may be in over my head! On top of that, my relationship with Jamie will be going from zero face to face contact, to 24/7 contact within seconds. I'm interested to see how everything pans out but for now I must focus on the details you wouldn't really think of for going on an extended vacation; things such as driving permits, health insurance, communication device, car insurance, shipping rates for items that don't fit in my luggage, etc. I still have quite a bit of research to do but plenty of time to do it. D-day is booked for August 16, 2012 at 10:30 pm. My amazing boyfriend is flying out here so that I won't have to make the long journey away from my homeland alone. I couldn't ask for more :) Up until the true Australian adventure begins, I'll be updating you on the trials and tribulations of planning a move abroad.  Enjoy the rest of your weekends!!

 Perth

Jamie & Me