Taylor Swift

     The themes in just about every single Taylor Swift song seem to ring 99% true in my life. When i was a senior in high school her current album was all lovey dovey which rang true for all the silly crushes my friends and I had on various jocks. We would blare the love songs with the windows down at night and profess the love (through lyrics) that we would never actually verbalize to the boys we wanted to. Now her new album is pretty much all about the people who left her behind, the people she left behind and all the damage it inflicted. Bingo. Hit the nail on the head again. I don't mean for this entry to be about self pity by any means. It's more of a vent session for the things on my mind at 1:24 AM. I even tried writing less abstractly than this in my journal, but here's hoping plan B works!

      I feel as though there's been a consistent theme in my life of people leaving, changing, disappointing, etc. I am one of those at fault. I remember the first friend I lost to a change in circumstances in 7th grade. I think about her very often, hoping she's doing well and forgiving me for the differences we had. From then to now I can name off the others that changed or tried to change me, and for that were left behind. Left behind is almost too strong of a statement. It's more like they now play a significantly less important role in my life. People who I could never imagine feeling this way about. People I grew together with so strongly only for us to diverge somewhere along the way. What changes? My guess would be the environment we are surrounded by most often, including our peers and activities in which we partake. That actually goes for every scenario I can think of in which someone became more distant to me. In one of the scenarios I believe I was the one who was being changed by a peer and certain activities: the other friend lost through this was the one who tried to change me. I still debate whether or not what he did was right. Maybe it was a little of both. That leads me to my next question...Is change a bad thing? In most cases I assume that the person who changes feels they are better off. But what about the people who needed them? The people who they abandoned to move in a different direction? I won't use the word "growth" because I feel like sometimes change isn't beneficial to the person...but at what price does personal branching come? There has to be a point at which we're just happy. No more transformation rubbish and just enjoying the people who love you for YOU. As someone who has been on both sides of this game of pickle, I just don't have a concrete answer. There is so much to be gained in change; but I have witnessed and felt more loss from personal branching than the flip side. I guess that makes me bias.
     In all this I think all I can do is count my losses and move forward with better intentions when thinking about leaving someone out of my future. I may not want them around now or have sore feelings about certain things but I may need them down the road and there's one person in particular I don't know if I could ever forgive myself for letting go. BUT:
     Last question...when all is said and done and someone has made you feel like you've been dropped on the side of the road...are you supposed to feel happy for them? That they've found something better in life than what you could offer? It's the obvious WWJD answer to say "yes." But as a human being, how is someone supposed to just pick up their baggage and move on?